What's Next... At Least Until 10/26

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MY DAMN CHANNEL -- My 5th Birthday Love Letter

I'm flying home from the 30th Birthday of "Just for Laughs" in Montreal -- the annual, best family reunion in comedy. I've just spent 4 daze and nights with many of the world's best comic minds -- and I'm heading into our birthday re-inspired to keep giving you more.

Everything everyone said about being an entrepreneur has turned out to be true. It's been much more rewarding to not work inside the old corporate monoliths of my past: MTV, VH1, CBS. But I'd never be here without remembering everything I learned there. It's been much harder work to create and run my own business -- the hours are endless -- the pressure to win for everyone who believes in us and works with us is a weight I've tried to carry with honor every day since leaving people like Mr. Moonves, Mr. Redstone, and their worlds 6 years ago.

We launched My Damn Channel July 31. 2007 to create a new destination for comedy fans and a new home for talent to get the freedom, money, production, distribution and promotion they deserve. Don Was still runs our music channel too. YouTube changed the world. Technology empowered every single content creator to finally get the equipment and distribution we needed to get our art seen by the masses without having to break down the walls of major television networks.

Most new companies never make it 5 years. We made it. Thank you for being part of this family and for supporting our simple mathematical premise: The Best Talent + The Best Original Entertainment = Big Audiences + Big Business.

From our first minute, we trusted smart artists to create their best work. We trusted smart fans to discern the difference between schlock and great video worthy of your views, likes, comments, and shares. This entire dream evaporates without you.

Smart advertisers trust us to deliver excellent talent, creative, production, distribution and promotion alongside every marketing dollar they spend to reach millions in a whole new way.

Our backers trust us never to raise too much or spend too much. They trust us to win big. Those backers include saints we love and many of our closest friends and family members.

To every artist, fan, advertiser, backer and business partner that's been with us since 2007 - thank you for believing and thank you for building the future of entertainment.

My Damn Channel would never have made it to our 5th birthday -- we'd never have even launched without WARREN CHAO. He's my Co-Founder & Chief Operating Officer, and the man who proves every single day that he's the most dedicated, brilliant, multi-talented executive in media. When I hatched the My Damn Channel idea in 2006, I went looking for the one person who could embody most of the things I was missing to take this dream from inception to glory. Warren is a Harvard graduate, a lawyer, a venture capitalist, a technologist, a business development executive and the only man in the world I'd trust to manage the math and the money. I want to thank Warren and his family for their trust as we all work every day to turn that trust into success.

Every artist who's ever had a video on My Damn Channel shares our belief that show business is best when TALENT is in charge. We vow to continue to put as many of you in charge of your art as we possibly can. We vow to continue to share your art with as many humans as possible. And yes...we vow to continue to share the cash.

Every person who's ever worked inside My Damn Channel has brought their energy, spirit, sweat, brain and backbone to help build an idea and a business that's grown gradually and consistently bigger every year. We worked together to try to avoid most of the mistakes of the first Internet bubble more than a decade ago. We worked tirelessly to outlast dozens of companies who raised countless millions to try to get this right. We worked together passionately to bring us onto the same stage as much deeper-pocketed, excellent pals like Funny or Die and College Humor. If you're on our team right now, you know that 2012 is the inflection point. This is the year when premium original content became the Queen and King at the prom. This is the year when our phones started ringing off the hook. This is the year we launched My Damn Channel LIVE every weekday afternoon with YouTube. This is the time when the great work you've done begins to reap more of the rewards you've earned.

Thank YOU again for every minute you've helped everyone at My Damn Channel.

Please share our link: www.MyDamnChannel.com

Please subscribe here: www.YouTube.com/MyDamnChannel

Please continue to let me know what you think of all that's good/bad/ugly -- and how we can work together.

Great art is usually reliant on breaking the rules. I apologize for breaking the rule to "keep it short" - but I couldn't let this 5th birthday go by without one final story:

My wife and I have twins who will also soon turn "5." My youngest daughter nearly broke my heart when she asked today why I couldn't have a job that got me home at 3 o'clock in the afternoon every day. She once asked me why I couldn't be a mailman - since he seemed to have to only work in the morning. The hours we all put into a career can be ridiculous and wrong. Jessie: I hope you find this one day and know that this was the night when your Dad started getting so good at his job making videos that he was home more with you and your sister and your brother and your most beautiful and loving mother.

Respect and Love,
Rob

(This note appeared originally on Rob Barnett's Facebook Page, 7/31/12)

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How Many Netflix Movies Can Mark Malkoff Watch?

How many movies can one man watch in one month?

Who hasn't had the fantasy: "I'm going to stay home and watch movies all day. I'm going to catch up on the classics, see all those movies that I never had time to see, hell... I'll maybe I'll even watch a couple of those romantic comedies that my wife is always trying to make me enjoy... just because I CAN. I have Netflix streaming and I have access to a million movies 24 hours a day. WHY CAN'T I JUST STAY HOME AND WATCH MOVIES?"

Verbatim, right? Now you're all, "Get out of my head, My Damn Channel!"

Too late. We're just gonna dig in deeper because Mark Malkoff lived out your Netflix streaming movie watching fantasy and filmed it for us.

For "Netflix Challenge," Mark wanted to see exactly how many movies he could watch for $7.99 per month. Turns out, it's 252.

Before you say, "252? Well that sounds easy as sh*t," think about this: Mark gained 6 pounds by barely moving all month. When he did move, he still had to watch movies on his iPhone and iPad. He started doing bad Jack Nicholson impressions.

Of course, the good parts of this whole thing are that both Andrew McCarthy and Jason London decided to provide him with live commentary of the movies St. Elmo's Fire and Dazed and Confused, respectively.

Make sure you watch the video to see how Mark took movie suggestions from people on Twitter, Facebook -- even Mashable commenters.  Watch it to see Andrew McCarthy cart Mark around in a red wagon. And watch it to see how Mark got through all of these movies (yes, he even devoted an entire day to Razzie winners):

#1. The Graduate
#2. Chinatown
#3. Bonnie and Clyde
#4. A Clockwork Orange
#5. Paper Moon
#6. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
#7. Harold and Maude
#8. Marathon Man
#9. Being John Malkovich
#10. Reservoir Dogs
#11. Swingers
#12. Trainspotting
#13. Clerks
#14. Girl, Interrupted
#15. The Grifters
#16. Sliding Doors
#17. Reality Bites
#18. Office Space
#19. The Big Lebowski
#20. Ghostbusters
#21. Dumb and Dumber
#22. Airplane
#23. The Producers
#24. This is Spinal Tap
#25. Arthur
#26. Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop
#27. Client 9: Rise and Fall of Elliot Spitzer
#28. Rolling Stones: Stones in Exile
#29. Page One: Inside the New York Times
#30. Waiting for Superman
#31. American: The Bill Hicks Story
#32. Classic Albums: U2: The Joshua Tree
#33. The Way We Get By
#34. I Am Trying To Break Your Heart
#35. St. Elmo’s Fire
#36. Dirty Dancing
#37. The Lost Boys
#38. Dream a Little Dream
#39. License to Drive
#40. Girls Just Want to Have Fun
#41. Heathers
#42. Weird Science
#43. Duck Soup
#44. A Night in Casablanca
#45. Love Happy
#46. Steamboat Bill, Jr.
#47. College
#48. The Navigator
#49. Seven Chances
#50. Sherlock Jr.
#51. Go West
#52. Our Hospitality
#54. Rocky
#55. Hoosiers
#56. The Hustler
#57. The Longest Yard (original)
#58. The Cutting Edge
#59. Senna
#60. Fever Pitch (original)
#61. The Terminator                    
#62. Die Hard 2                             
#63. Lethal Weapon                        
#64. 13 Assassins                               
#65. Enter the Dragon                        
#66. The Expendables                   
#67. Dillinger                     
#68. Dirty Harry
#69. Donnie Darko
#70. Tiny Furniture
#71. Wet Hot American Summer
#72. World’s Greatest Dad
#73. Punch-Drunk Love
#74. Broken Flowers
#75. Anvil! The Story of Anvil
#76. Winter’s Bone
#77. Insidious
#78. An American Werewolf in London
#79. Paranormal Activity 2
#80. Creature from the Black Lagoon
#81. Saw: The Final Chapter
#82. House on Haunted Hill
#83. Dracula
#84. Audition
#85. Scream 2
#86. Being Elmo
#87. Helvetica
#88. Dazed and Confused
#89. Bill Cunningham New York
#90. This Film is Not Yet Rated
#91. Dear Zachary
#92. Man on a Wire
#93. Cave of Forgotten Dreams
#94. Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story
#95. Dive
#96. Gigli
#97. Battlefield Earth
#98. Xanadu
#99. Cop and a Half
#100. Indecent Proposal
#101. The Last Airbender
#102. Rocky 4
#103. Spy Kids
#104. Cheaper by the Dozen
#105. Fred: The Movie
#106. Dr. Dolittle
#107. Dark Crystal
#108. Babe: Pig in the City
#109. Rango
#110. Labyrinth
#111. True Grit (original)
#112. True Grit (remake)
#113. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
#114. Dead Man
#115. Shane
#116. Two Mules for Sister Sara
#117. The Warrior’s Way
#118. High School Musical
#119. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
#120. Sense and Sensibility
#121. Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family
#122. Iron Man 2
#123. The Phantom
#124. Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo
#125. Planet of the Apes
#126. They Live
#127. RoboCop
#128. Serenity
#129. Starship Troopers
#130. Dreamscape
#131. The Final Countdown
#132. 1984
#133. Little Shop of Horrors (original)
#134. Annie
#135. Gypsy
#136. How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
#137. Love Me Tender
#138. Camp
#139. Bikini Beach
#140. There’s No Business Like Show Business
#141. Troll 2
#142. Cool as Ice
#143. Birdemic: Shock and Terror
#144. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
#145. Titanic 2
#146. Ed
#147. Best Worst Movie
#148. Shark Attack 3: Megalondon
#149. The Thing with Two Heads
#150. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
#151. Oldboy                        
#152. Exit Through the Gift Shop
#153. Brick                                                       
#154. Good Will Hunting
#155. Trollhunter                   
#156. Malice in Wonderland                    
#157. 21 Grams                         
#158. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
#159. Network
#160. Edward Scissorhands
#161. Top Gun
#162. Time Bandits
#163. The Red Balloon
#164. The Wiz
#165. The Karate Kid#
#166. Swimming with Sharks
#167. The People vs. George Lucas
#168. Thirst
#169. Return of the Pink Panther
#170. Buck
#171. The Landlord
#172. One Bright Shinning Moment
#173. The Paper Chase
#174. Reel injun
#175. Tales from the Script
#176. Murder!
#177. Dail M for Murder
#178. The Lady Vanishes
#179. The Manxman
#180. Young and Innocent
#181. Number 17
#182. The Man Who Knew Too Much
#183. The Stranger
#184. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
#185. The Seven Year Itch
#186. The King and Four Queens
#187. The Lady Eve
#188. How to Steal a Million
#189. Anastasia
#190. Father’s Little Dividend
#191. The Raven
#192. Serpico
#193. Smoke Signals
#194. Passion of the Christ
#195. Whale Rider
#196. The Lincoln Lawyers
#197. 8 ½
#198. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
#199. The Outsider
#200. Submarine
#201. Ballerina
#202. The Trip
#203. Gosford Park
#204. Groundhog Day
#205. Me and Orson Welles
#206. The Double
#207. Hitman Hart: Wrestling with Shadows
#208. WWE’s Rivalries: Michaels vs Hart
#209. The Rise & Fall of WCW
#210. The Top 50 Incidents in WWE History
#211.  The Epic Journey of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
#212. Bobby Heenan
#213. Ricky Steamboat: Life Story of the Dragon
#214. Card Subjec to to Change
#215. The American Dream: The Dusty Rhodes Story
#216. Champion
#217. The Man Who Wasn’t There
#218. The Gold Rush
#219. Bad Company
#220. Rubber
#221. Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein
#222.  Bob Dylan: Never Ending Tour Diaries
#223.  Biggie & Tupac
#224.  Ginger Baker in Africa
#225. Moog
#226. Heavy Metal in Baghdad
#227. Kurt Cobain: About a Son
#228. The Art of 16 Bars
#229. The Invisible Man                
#230. The Wolf Man                        
#231. The Mummy’s Curse  
#232. Something to Cheer About
#233. The Invention of Dr. Nakamats
#234. She Done Him Wrong                  
#235. Laurel & Hardy: Flying Deuces          
#236. The Battleship of Potemkin       
#237. The Hornets Nest                 
#238. So This is New York             
#239. It   
#240. Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy
#241. Dance with Me Henry
#242. Nothing Sacred
#243. Pulling John
#244. food Matters
#245. Le Cirque: A Table in Heaven
#246. I Need That Record
#247. Road to the Big Leagues
#248. To Live and Ride in LA
#249. Almost Elvis
#250. Dog Day Afternoon
#251.  Into the Abyss
#252. Chasing Ghosts: Beyond the Arcade

For Mark's "Netflix Challenge" diary, visit his blog at MarkMalkoff.com.

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That Ain't Right

We're back!

After a short hiatus prompted by the laziness of our editor (ed. note: Sorry, dudes.) "That Ain't Right" returns!

This is where we scan Twitter for people who say "My Damn Channel" but are in no way referring to us! And through much scientific study (ed. note: There was NO scientific study.) we determined that the correct response to each tweet is "That Ain't Right!" Here we go:

Lifetime is my Damn channel

— Bitch-'Im-PootieTang (@BeccaMathers) December 19, 2011

@BeccaMathers , you are preaching to the choir. I was having a little trouble trying to fit the phrase “That Ain’t Right” into this because loving Lifetime is oh-so-very-right. Then it dawned on me, “Lifetime is MY damn channel”? Are you planning on taking Lifetime away from us all and depriving us of the sweet combination of Meredith Baxter Birney and reruns of “Unsolved Mysteries”. Take some other channel like Home and Garden or The CW. Not sharing Lifetime with the rest of us? That Ain’t Right!

I wake up watchn family feud ... Who changed my damn channel?

— Maria Redd!! (@ObeyMeBitchez) December 18, 2011

@obeyMeBitchez , our hearts go out to you, it seems like you are living a nightmare scenario. Anyone who wakes up from a nap to hear Louie Anderson yelling “Top 6 reasons to eat a sandwich!” deserves a hug. To the people who changed @obeyMeBitchez , changing the channel to a show hosted by the son of satan himself, Louie Anderson?!?! That Ain’t Right!

This Lil Grl Gone Get Enough Of Changing My Damn Channel!

— Sandie_Mariee :) (@Caremel_Beautyy) December 20, 2011

That lil grl better done gone get enough of changing your damn channel! Grl changing your channel! That ain’t right! For real though lil grl, it sounds like you need some guidance. Changing @Caremel_Beautyy ‘s channel is not the answer to solving your problems. If you need some help, we here at MyDamnChannel are more then willing to listen. If you don’t speak out your problems they will grow inside and come out as hate, that simply Ain’t Right.

This the same lil ugly friend that came in, sat his ass on the couch and changed my damn channel like he live here

— soleil wilson (@lextasy_21) December 18, 2011

@lextasy I think you need a new choice of friends. We here at MyDamnChannel are more then willing to step up and apply to take over. Unlike your last friend we are tall and handsome, only sit where we are told and would never in a million years even think of changing your channel. We also are great listeners and make a Tiramisu that is out of this world. Keeping your old and disrespectful friends around? Does he even know what a Tiramisu is? I bet he can’t tell the difference between a Ramekin and a cupcake wrapper! That Ain’t Right!

the dog jus changed my damn channel!

— iwna panda -.- (@FinesseYoNigga_) December 19, 2011

WHAT!!! @FinesseYoNigga! You have found your own personal version of Airbud! Sure, he may not be able to shoot the game winning 3 pointer or score the game winning touchdown (See “Airbud 2: Golden Receiver”) but he can change a channel! You must find a way to hone his talents otherwise they will go to waste and That Ain’t Right!

That's all for this edition of "That Ain't Right"! Will there be one more before the end of 2011? (ed. note: I promise nothing.)

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Wainy Days Are Here Again!

It's back! It's back! Wainy Days is back with all new episodes! Here are some reasons we're jumping up and down right now (Really. We are. Right now. We promise.):

1. David Wain knows how to bring the hot girls.
It's true. David Wain's past adventures have included Rashida Jones, Elizabeth Banks, Amanda Peet and Megan Mullally. If there's one thing we've been missing in our lives, it's a reliable source of HOT GIRLS.

2. Erinn Hayes and Lizzy Caplan.
Two ridiculously hot girls. This is different from number one because we're being specific. Okay, so maybe it's a subdivision of number one. What are you our English teacher? (Seriously, is that you, Mrs. O'Neil?!)

3. Jorma Taccone.
A member of The Lonely Island, director of MacGruber, and probably one of the few men on the planet who can make this face in a song called "J--z In My Pants" and have millions of women think it's adorable:

4. David Wain.
We're so happy that between writing and shooting Childrens Hospital and making a movie with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston and touring the country in honor of Wet Hot American Summer, David could find the time to get himself into a Fiat and drive around with old friends like Ken Marino, Thomas Lennon, Zandy Hartig and Steven Weber to entertain us and make us laugh and give us new videos to watch every Monday when we're supposed to be doing something else at work.

Thanks, David Wain. This Wain's for you:

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Do or Donut, there is no try...

Never let it be said that the Night Feed doesn't contain multitudes.  Sure, yesterday we told you about Mark Malkoff's quest to turn his doughy flagon of untoned flab into a rockin' six pack, but today we're taking a sharp left turn away from the world of health and fitness to indulge in another one of our not-so-secret passions: donuts! 

Chocolate, sprinkles, glazed, old-fashioned... we're not picky; we like them ALL.  And today is National Donut Day -- an actual holiday created by the Salvation Army to honor the battlefield nurses of World War I who coaxed injured soldiers back to health via the medium fried dough food (thanks, Wikipedia!).

And you don't need to be a mustachioed beat cop or having a support group meeting in a church basement to eat donuts anymore.  Everyone's doing it, including minor local television celebrities like Colin Tickler (David Hunt), son of legendary B-movie actress Evelyn Anders (Patricia Heaton).  Here's Colin extracting some donut innards from Episode 3 of the new My Damn Channel series Versailles...

Sexy, right?!  We bet introverted "You're In Sports" intern Sara Wolper (Martha MacIsaac) would agree.  So throw away your fertility talismans and Axe Body Spray.  Show some holiday spirit by rubbing a glazed donut across your bare chest and smearing your face with custard.  The Salvation Army demands it.
 

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The Abdominal Snowman

Do you dream of the perfect body?  Do you lay in bed surrounded by the detritus of your junk food addiction, fantasizing about peeling off your too-tight, slightly wet T-shirt to reveal a glistening, tanned torso sculpted to Wahlbergian perfection?  Do you pine for abs so flawless that the Situation himself would throw himself under the nearest party bus at the mere sight of them?  The answer, of course, is yes.  We all do.  And we all want it to happen RIGHT NOW.

But is it really possible to go from abpocalypse to abparadise in a mere thirty days?  Well, My Damn Channel's resident sociologist/trickster god Mark Malkoff has done EXACTLY THAT, going from flab to fab in record time in this two-part video experiment.

The secret to his success?  Diet, excercise, and enough hard boiled eggs to shame even Cool Hand Luke.  So let Mark school you in the art of getting stupid cut and watch.  Nutritionists say that clicking "play" just once can burn up to 1,200 calories.*

*(estimated)

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"Touch My Junk" for Kids

In case you haven't heard, the TSA is now giving pat-downs to six-year-olds.  And while we admire the TSA's consistency, we can't help but wonder if this is one of those times when common sense could have prevailed and an exception perhaps been made.  I'm guessing the biggest threat poised by the girl in the video is the possibility of getting roped into a hyperactive, one-sided conversation about Justin Beiber.  God, kids will not SHUT UP about that guy.

Nevertheless, maybe instead of wasting their time with Journey, the kids of PS22 should brace themselves for the realities of modern air travel and instead do a cover of Harry Shearer's "Touch My Junk."  In fact, I can't think of one single reason why this might be a bad idea.  Oh wait, I just thought of about five-hundred.  Never mind.

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Bob Dylan Signs Six Book Deal?!

It's no secret that we love Bob Dylan at My Damn Channel, so we were extremely excited to read on IFC.com that it's rumored Bob Dylan has signed a six book deal, and will continue his enlightening, though typically enigmatic, memoir series "Chronicles".  The first volume was released in 2004, so it's been a while since we've had the privilege to enter the mind of Mr. Dylan. 

And even though it's just a rumor, we're confident that it's gonna happen.  Why?  Well, we first heard the news via IFC, who just so happen to have content from their new series "Portlandia" on My Damn Channel. 

Coincidence?  I think not!

So while we're waiting for "Portlandia" to premiere tomorrow at 10:30pm on IFC, and for the next Dylan volume to come out in who knows how long, enjoy this performance from Sweet Pea Atkinson, a soul singing legend who has recorded with Bob Dylan. 

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Mark Malkoff Will Spend Five Days in the Bathroom

Mark Malkoff is worn out.

Mark texts. Mark tweets. Mark emails and Facebooks and YouTubes and iPhones and does a million other brand-name things that popular culture has turned into verbs. It is a lot of work to stay connected to everyone all over the world wide web at one time, and Mark is starting to find it all a little taxing.

So he's going to check out for five days in a place where no distractions will get to him: his bathroom.

Sounds like a good idea, right?

Mark's even gong to try to be productive during his Week With No Internet. He's going to try and finish that book he's been meaning to read. He's going to learn that song he's been meaning to play. He's going to write that poem for his wife he's been meaning to write. Aw. That's sweet. And all the while, he's going to shoot footage and put it all into one awesome video, which we can all watch on his channel at MyDamnChannel.com/MarkMalkoff on September 8th.

We're pretty excited to have Mark Malkoff on our team. After all, anyone who can visit every single Starbucks in Manhattan in a single day is a friend of ours. And since he lived in a New Jersey IKEA for a week, he'd probably know better than anyone how to wield a an allen wrench. And, he knows Lisa Loeb, so, you know, bonus points:



To be honest, we're jealous. We wish that we could check out for five days. We wouldn't talk to ANYONE. Except we wouldn't do it in our bathroom. We'd do it on an island somewhere, and, okay, so MAYBE we'd talk to someone... but it would be because he was the bartender and we had to tell him what kind of wonderfully fruity drink to bring us. But other than him, no one.

Good luck, with this one, Mark.  We think you're gonna need it.

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