1. Kourtney Kardashian gave birth late last night. She and partner Scott Disick named the baby girl "Penelope Scotland." Psychoanalysts everywhere are grateful that Kourtney and Scott gave her such a weird name so that they'll have somewhere to start when little Penelope inevitably decides she's ready for therapy.
2. The Amazing Spider-Man was number one at the box office this weekend. Predictably. I mean, seriously. How is this even news? Meanwhile, Savages came in fourth meaning that Taylor Kitsch has had three box-office "bombs" in a row. For those of you who are all, "Taylor who?" Yeah, keep saying that since Kitsch seems determined to choose projects that will ensure no one outside the Friday Night Lights viewing audience will ever remember his name.
3. Usher's stepson is brain dead after a terrible jetski accident. This is terrible news and we're not making jokes about it.
4. Katie Holmes is ready to go back to work! She's taking on the role of a single mother in a new film titled "Molly." You'd almost think her entire life is scripted, wouldn't you?
5. Ernest Borgnine died over the weekend at the age of 95. You thought he was dead already, didn't you? Shame on you. And now you're right.