1. Nicki Minaj and Keith Urban officially join Mariah Carey and Randy Jackson and American Idol judges! This is so exciting, right? I mean, is it? I don't know. I don't watch American Idol. All I know is I hope that Nicki and Mariah roll their eyes at each other all season.

2. Resident Evil took first place at the weekend box office. That's so interesting, because I'm pretty sure I've never actually met anyone who's seen ANY of the Resident Evil films. No one's ever excited to see the next one, no one ever says, "Hey, I finally saw that Resident Evil movie." No one. But they've made four. I'm pretty sure this means that the tons of people who pretend they don't buy Justin Bieber albums even though he sells zillions of albums must also pretend that they don't see these movies.

3. Childrens Hospital won an Emmy! Congrats to David Wain, Jon Stern, Rob Corddry and the whole CH crew for winning Outstanding Special Class: Short-Format Live-Action Entertainment Program! The whole list of winners at the Creative Emmys 2012 is here.

4. Robert Pattinson took Kristen Stewart back. Or he didn't, and gets to fly on private jets to promote Twilight while she's denigrated to first class. Or maybe no one actually knows.

5. The iPhone 5 pre-orders sold out in one day. Apple sold more than 2 million units of the iPhone 5 in 24 hours. In related news, "ButYouGotThatiPhone5Tho" was a trending topic on Twitter all weekend, indicating the various levels of ratchetness that people endure, while somehow still being able to afford the trendy device, which starts at $199.