Happy Birthday, Mark Zuckerberg! You're 28 today! You've already been CEO of your own company for over eight years! You've had your life highly (slightly) fictionalized into an Academy Award-winning movie! You're already a billionaire and you're about to take Facebook public to add billions more to your net worth! And today's your birthday! I'd write this on your Facebook wall but we're not really friends and then you'd know that I was only writing "Happy Birthday" to be polite, because that's what people do! In fact, when someone ISN'T on Facebook, it makes the rest of us freak out! So thanks for everything, Mark Zuckerberg. Thanks for pokes and likes and status updates and ambiguous wall posts that attention-starved girls write when they want you to ask them "what's wrong?" But most of all, thanks for making it a lot easier for us to judge our friends, whether it's their taste in music or the articles they read on the internet or how often they think lyrics to Drake songs are super-duper inspirational!

And good luck with that IPO thing!