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1. Liz and Dick. Or #LizAndDick. Lindsay Lohan had her Lifetime movie debut last night as the legendary Elizabeth Taylor in "Liz And Dick." Everyone on Twitter decided it was going to be awful and live-tweeted it. Actually, Lindsay's performance recaptured some of her earliest talent and reminded everyone that she is, indeed, an actress of great import, if only we would see past her personal problems.

No, actually, that last part was a lie. Liz And Dick was a shitshow. A terrible, terrible, shitshow.

2. Holiday Weekend Box Office numbers are the best, mostly because they're ridiculously inflated. The final movie (hopefully) in the Twilight franchise, Breaking Dawn Part 2 took first place. Skyfall, the latest in the James Bond franchise, took second. And Lincoln, the latest in the Spielberg obsession with history franchise took third.

3. Chris Brown deleted his Twitter account after getting into it with comedian/writer Jenny Johnson. After she corrected his spelling of "Hoe" to "Ho" he threatened to give her pinkeye by shitting on her retina. Stay classy, Breezy.

4. Cyber Monday! There are deals everywhere! I don't know where, but maybe ask people for "a/s/l" to see if they want to cyber. That's a good way to find out.

5. Powerball! The jackpot is over 425 million dollars for this Wednesday's drawing! If you haven't yet bought your tickets, just don't. Don't buy them. I need to win this one, okay? Just let me have this.

1. Hurricane Sandy. The Frankenstorm. It will affect millions of people along the East Coast. Are you in the path of the storm? It's scary, for sure. But you still shouldn't be alerting the authorities to the fact that you plan on coping during the hurricane with illegal substances. Come on, now, y'all.

2. The San Francisco Giants won the World Series! They swept the Detroit Tigers to become the 2012 World Series Champions. And then there was rioting. Because nothing says "I'm so happy we won!" like climbing on buses and lighting things on fire.

3. Joss Whedon decided to come out in support of Mitt Romney AND the impending zombie apocalypse.

4. Argo was finally the top film at the box office this weekend. It only took three weeks!

5. Lindsay Lohan tried to invite Lady Gaga to our friend Tyler Oakley's live chat over the weekend. How fetch!

Photo: Scott Rovak, USA

1. Robsten (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) may still be broken after all. You mean their relationship was fake? A marketing ploy contrived by all parties to milk every last cent from the last installment of their multi-million dollar movie franchise? You don't say.

2. Paranormal Activity 4 scared up a win at the box office over the weekend. I'm so sorry for that sentence. What a terrible, terrible, thing to have written.

3. Lindsay Lohan's father tried to have an intervention with her and it didn't work. BUT, she's also off the hook for her latest hit-and-run allegation, so, you know, there's that.

4. "Paul Ryan Shirtless" is googled 9 times more than "Paul Ryan Budget."

5. Lil Wayne sang "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" at the San Francisco Giants vs St. Louis Cardinals National League Championship game on Sunday, proving why he is a rapper and not a crooner. This also makes us wonder whether maybe Harry Caray would have been great with the 808s.

1. Jon Stewart and Bill O'Reilly had a debate! It was $5 and you could watch it live on the internet. But so many people tried to watch it that their servers were overwhelmed, causing unpleasant viewing experiences for many. Oh, internet. It's nice to know you can still be a bitch when you want to.

2. Taken 2 obliterated all other competition at the box office this weekend. Did you see the parody that our Product Displacement friends Captain Hippo made? You should. It's pretty amazing.

3. Amber Tamblyn and David Cross got married! Huzzah! Congrats you two crazy kids. Er. Well. One of you might still be called a kid. Just one.

4. Jerry Sandusky is going to prison tomorrow, which, strangely, has inspired a number of articles about "What Jerry Sandusky Can Expect In Jail." Basically, everyone just wants to know is he going to be beat to within an inch of his life by other inmates who hate pedophiles more than any other criminal? Short answer: "Yes."

5. Mythbusters settled the biggest debate of our time: Did Jack really have to die in the movie Titanic? Now your 13-year-old self can know the definitive answer.

This post is coming a little later than usual because we had a big premiere this morning. And then I became distracted and had to drink some Cirroc because of all the submliminal overt messaging.

1. Isaac! It delayed the start of the Republican National Convention! Hey, does anyone remember when Michele Bachmann said hurricanes were a punishment from God? Actually, does anyone even remember Michele Bachmann?

2. The Expendables 2 took the top spot at the box office again this weekend. Who knew that senior citizens had so much endurance? (Yes, I will write a senior citizens joke every week that this movie wins the weekend.)

3. Ryan Lochte's sister is racist! Or maybe she isn't. Whatever. I think we can all agree that all Lochtes should just remain silent at all times.

4. Sunday was "Go Topless" Day. I guarantee you that none of your favorite celebrities took part. The picture above is from Gothamist and is of all the creepy guys who totally missed the point.

5.  "Call Me Maybe" has now invaded the U.S. Open. Resistance is futile. Carly Rae Jepsen is officially our Borg queen.

1. Congressman Todd Akin (R, MO) tried to bolster his anti-abortion stance-- even for rape victims-- by claiming "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." The internet's collective mind exploded. Even worse, Congressman Akin serves on the House Science and Technology Committee, which goes to show they'll let just about anybody on that thing.

2. The Expendables 2 was number one at movie theaters this weekend, knocking The Bourne Legacy from the top of the movie mountain. Which just goes to show that Hollywood studios CAN make movies starring senior citizens and make money!

3. Fifty Shades Of Grey (aka The Book I Thought Was So Bad I Have Officially Lost Faith In Humanity) was finally knocked from its perch atop Amazon's Best Seller list by The Legend Of Zelda: Hyrule Historia, an encyclopedic companion to the video game. Surely there's some allegory here about geeks overpowering horny housewives that E.L. James can turn into her next best-selling piece of awfulness.

4. Director Tony Scott committed suicide by jumping off a bridge in San Pedro, California. Tony Scott's resume included director of films such as Beverly Hills Cop II, Top Gun and True Romance. With his older brother, Ridley Scott, he executive produced The Good Wife.

5. Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Can't wait until they break up and all of all of her songs take on a broken-hearted New England lilt.

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