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  • The Night Feed

    Ben Affleck's Diary - OSCAR NIGHT!

    I lost my Oscar.


    I don't know where it is! I'm so embarrassed I don't know what to say.  I mean, here I am winning an Oscar for Best Picture of the year, and then the next thing I know Clooney's giving me my eighth shot of anisette and my mother's calling Jenny because Vi shit the bed again or something and bingo-bango my Oscar is missing and the Los Angeles police doesn't seem to give a damn.  


    When I realized it was gone last night I cried a little bit, though I don't really remember it.  I do remember that f***ing little princess Anne Hathaway yelling in my face about how she was picked most likely to succeed in high school and how it is totally coming true, and also how Devito was cracking me up talking about his penis but I can't - remember - where - my - Oscar - is.  This sucks.  I earned that Oscar!  It's mine!


    Oh well, maybe the Academy will get me another one.  I still have the one I won for writing with Matt, but this one is cooler - I mean, would you rather win an Oscar with Matt Damon or George Clooney?   Kind of a no brainer, though Matt's cool, don't get me wrong, but he only has a single Oscar and I have two - well, I've won two but like I said, I lost the one last night.  


    That doesn't change the fact that I didn't win it, though!  And that's enough.  Jenny says that's enough.  And I think it is, I just wouldn't mind having the Oscar, the actual thing, but whatever.  I had a fun night.  Maybe it'll turn up.  Regardless, I am truly blessed.  I have to call and thank everyone for making last night so special and maybe throw a brick through Anne Hathaway's window because she sucks.


    Bye bye, diary!


    Sincerely, with love,

    Two-time Academy Award Winner,

    Benjamin Affleck

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  • The Night Feed

    Ben Affleck's Diary - Golden Globes Edition

    1/14/13


    Dear Diary,


    So. Hung. Over.  


    Haha, OMG, last night was one of the best, craziest nights of my life!  I didn't just win one Golden Globe, I won two!  How amazing is that?


    So the night started pretty much like you'd expect.  A little blow in the limo just to get the feeling right; I only do that kind of thing before big awards shows nowadays, unless of course I'm hanging out with Damon.  They don't call him "China White" for nothing.


    The red carpet is always the same.  I hate it.  I know I'm an actor and I should be used to the attention but I don't, I just don't.  Too many eyes on me.  I get uncomfortable.  I sweat.  I have dark thoughts.  Thank god I have Jenny with me.  I don't think I could have bared the prying eyes any longer if not for my beautiful angel protecting me on that red carpet.  I love you, baby.


    But once I'm inside the hotel, I come alive!  All my friends are there, the Mike's Hard Lemonade is flowing, and I'm feeling groovy!  Not worried about winning or losing at this point, just looking to have a good time and catch up with friends I haven't seen in a long time.  I mean, how often do I get to make fun of Anne Hathaway with Jennifer Lawrence?  Hathaway's mouth is freakin' huge, LOL!


    And then the ceremony starts and Tina and Amy totally are killing it and next thing you know Jodie's speech is totally confusing me and I'm hoisting a best director statue!  So thrilling.  Like, of course I said that winning doesn't mean as much as being mentioned in the same breath as the other directors nominated but we all know that's a load of bullshit.  You play to win the game, simple as that.  Maybe DeNiro will start taking my calls now that I've finally won a globe.  


    More Mike's Hard and kisses with Jenny and then Argo wins best picture.  The best.  Night.  Ever.  Standing onstage with all of those talented people looking at all of the drunk A-listers applauding me is like standing atop Mount Olympus as Zeus bathes you in the golden tear drops of Helen of Troy.  Boner city, LOL.


    After that we went to the after party and I don't even think I can even write down an account of the debauchery that transpired.  Let me just say Clooney doesn't always get naked, but when he does, you KNOW it's a good night.  And then let me say John Goodman doesn't always get naked, but when he does you know we're heading to White Castle sooner than later.  I know, so Hollywood, right? ;)


    Okay I need to take some Advil and get in the hot tob with my Golden Globes.  It's been so amazing.  I love the me that I am.  I love Jenny.  I love movies!!!!  Haha, ok, ok, bye for now diary.


    Yours,

    Ben


    PS - Arkin's head isn't the only thing that's bald :-p

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  • The Night Feed

    Ben Affleck's Diary

    1/10/13


    Dear Diary,


    Jennifer tells me not to worry but I am mad.  The Oscar nominations came out today and I didn't get nominated for Best Director!  Snubbed.  I mean, Argo was nominated for Best Picture and I'm proud of that - but I wanted to be nominated for Best Director!  It just kind of hurts that the Academy didn't think my work was worthy of a nomination - and also, I dunno what they're playing at, but that guy Michael Haneke was nominated and he isn't even an American - and neither is Ang Lee!  What's up with that?  I'm American, born and raised.  I'm from BOSTON, damnit!  I think the Academy should show some respect - Jenny agrees with me on this, too.  She's the best :) Hi, baby! I know you're reading this!


    Damon came over with some Mike's Hard.  We sat in the den and talked about the Oscars and then Matt popped in Good Will Hunting again…Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, I guess.  I mean, we both wrote the script, but I wasn't "Will"; I wasn't the star, I didn't get nominated for Best Actor, Matt did.  It's OK though, he means well.  Jenny reminded me that Matt's new movie Promised Land got bad reviews and that made me feel a little better.  I know he's my friend, but sometimes I can't help but smile when a movie of his tanks a little, LOL. 


    After that I kinda just hung out around the house for a while.  I'm trying to learn how to play "Hold On Loosely" on the guitar but I just can't get it.  The chords hurt my fingers and I got frustrated so I just stopped and went to the computer and played Bejeweled while a "Cheers" re-run played on a tv in the background.  Eventually Jenny came in and gave me a hug and that made me feel better, so I got up and the two of us went to an ice cream parlor to get sundaes.  Unfortunately a dude with a camera was there trying to get pictures of us so I had to pull a knife on him (don't worry, I didn't have to stab him).



    Somehow, Jenny and I were able to sneak out the back and we drove up to our favorite lookout spot in Malibu. As the sun set, I held my likable and charming yet still-able-to-kick-some-a** actress wife and couldn't help but wish I were holding a best director academy award statue instead. Sorry, baby. I know you're reading this :(


    After about 40 minutes we were ready to head home and now here I am writing this entry.  All and all it was an OK day.  I didn't get nominated for Best Director but there's always next time.  And who knows, maybe we'll win Best Picture!  I have to count my blessings. 


    Your friend,

    Ben


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  • The Night Feed

    5 Things You May Have Missed

    1. Hurricane Sandy. The Frankenstorm. It will affect millions of people along the East Coast. Are you in the path of the storm? It's scary, for sure. But you still shouldn't be alerting the authorities to the fact that you plan on coping during the hurricane with illegal substances. Come on, now, y'all.

    2. The San Francisco Giants won the World Series! They swept the Detroit Tigers to become the 2012 World Series Champions. And then there was rioting. Because nothing says "I'm so happy we won!" like climbing on buses and lighting things on fire.

    3. Joss Whedon decided to come out in support of Mitt Romney AND the impending zombie apocalypse.

    4. Argo was finally the top film at the box office this weekend. It only took three weeks!

    5. Lindsay Lohan tried to invite Lady Gaga to our friend Tyler Oakley's live chat over the weekend. How fetch!

    Photo: Scott Rovak, USA

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