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I lost my Oscar.

I don't know where it is! I'm so embarrassed I don't know what to say.  I mean, here I am winning an Oscar for Best Picture of the year, and then the next thing I know Clooney's giving me my eighth shot of anisette and my mother's calling Jenny because Vi shit the bed again or something and bingo-bango my Oscar is missing and the Los Angeles police doesn't seem to give a damn.  

When I realized it was gone last night I cried a little bit, though I don't really remember it.  I do remember that f***ing little princess Anne Hathaway yelling in my face about how she was picked most likely to succeed in high school and how it is totally coming true, and also how Devito was cracking me up talking about his penis but I can't - remember - where - my - Oscar - is.  This sucks.  I earned that Oscar!  It's mine!

Oh well, maybe the Academy will get me another one.  I still have the one I won for writing with Matt, but this one is cooler - I mean, would you rather win an Oscar with Matt Damon or George Clooney?   Kind of a no brainer, though Matt's cool, don't get me wrong, but he only has a single Oscar and I have two - well, I've won two but like I said, I lost the one last night.  

That doesn't change the fact that I didn't win it, though!  And that's enough.  Jenny says that's enough.  And I think it is, I just wouldn't mind having the Oscar, the actual thing, but whatever.  I had a fun night.  Maybe it'll turn up.  Regardless, I am truly blessed.  I have to call and thank everyone for making last night so special and maybe throw a brick through Anne Hathaway's window because she sucks.

Bye bye, diary!

Sincerely, with love,

Two-time Academy Award Winner,

Benjamin Affleck

1/14/13

Dear Diary,

So. Hung. Over.  

Haha, OMG, last night was one of the best, craziest nights of my life!  I didn't just win one Golden Globe, I won two!  How amazing is that?

So the night started pretty much like you'd expect.  A little blow in the limo just to get the feeling right; I only do that kind of thing before big awards shows nowadays, unless of course I'm hanging out with Damon.  They don't call him "China White" for nothing.

The red carpet is always the same.  I hate it.  I know I'm an actor and I should be used to the attention but I don't, I just don't.  Too many eyes on me.  I get uncomfortable.  I sweat.  I have dark thoughts.  Thank god I have Jenny with me.  I don't think I could have bared the prying eyes any longer if not for my beautiful angel protecting me on that red carpet.  I love you, baby.

But once I'm inside the hotel, I come alive!  All my friends are there, the Mike's Hard Lemonade is flowing, and I'm feeling groovy!  Not worried about winning or losing at this point, just looking to have a good time and catch up with friends I haven't seen in a long time.  I mean, how often do I get to make fun of Anne Hathaway with Jennifer Lawrence?  Hathaway's mouth is freakin' huge, LOL!

And then the ceremony starts and Tina and Amy totally are killing it and next thing you know Jodie's speech is totally confusing me and I'm hoisting a best director statue!  So thrilling.  Like, of course I said that winning doesn't mean as much as being mentioned in the same breath as the other directors nominated but we all know that's a load of bullshit.  You play to win the game, simple as that.  Maybe DeNiro will start taking my calls now that I've finally won a globe.  

More Mike's Hard and kisses with Jenny and then Argo wins best picture.  The best.  Night.  Ever.  Standing onstage with all of those talented people looking at all of the drunk A-listers applauding me is like standing atop Mount Olympus as Zeus bathes you in the golden tear drops of Helen of Troy.  Boner city, LOL.

After that we went to the after party and I don't even think I can even write down an account of the debauchery that transpired.  Let me just say Clooney doesn't always get naked, but when he does, you KNOW it's a good night.  And then let me say John Goodman doesn't always get naked, but when he does you know we're heading to White Castle sooner than later.  I know, so Hollywood, right? ;)

Okay I need to take some Advil and get in the hot tob with my Golden Globes.  It's been so amazing.  I love the me that I am.  I love Jenny.  I love movies!!!!  Haha, ok, ok, bye for now diary.

Yours,

Ben

PS - Arkin's head isn't the only thing that's bald :-p

Dear Diary,

It's me, Ben.  Haha oh wait, I keep forgetting you don't have to do that.  This is my diary, so who else would it be?  I can be such a shmendrik sometimes, it's unbelievable.  

Well anyways, diary, my loyal friend, I just wanted to spend today talking about Jenny.  It's Valentine's Day, and I spent all day with her.  Loving her, praising her, laughing with her… I love her so much, I don't know what I'd do without her.

I remember when I met her on the first day of production on Daredevil.  She walked onto the set and yelled, "I'm fucking hungry!" and went over to the craft service table straight for the corned beef and I thought, "Now THIS is a woman."  So I started to walk over to the table to talk to her but before I could get to her Colin Farrell made his move.  Next thing I know she's laughing wildly, touching his arm… I was already heartbroken.  I had fallen in love with her at first sight, just like in the movies.

Being the romantic that I am, I immediately went into a tizzy and retreated to my trailer for some cigarettes and a Bayer, hoping I could just clear my head and stop crying before filming began in an hour.  

I decided to call Matt.  He's my BFF and he just has this way with girls that I envy - I mean, he got a number, how do you like them apples, LOL!  So I told him how Colin was being a big jerk and ruining my chances with Jenny Garner and I rambled on and on until Matt stopped me and said, "Hey, man.  I don't wanna hear any of this sad sap baloney.  You're Ben Affleck.  Was Colin Farrell in Pearl Harbor?  Was Colin Farrell in Bounce?  No.  He was not.  YOU were.  Now, get out there and win that woman's heart!"  

And that's what I did.  I slammed down the phone, downed three shots of drambuie, went back onto the set, walked up to Jenny, looked Colin in the eyes and said, "Get the fuck out of here."  Then I pushed him down to the ground, turned around and planted a big kiss right on Jenny's mouth.  BOOM!  We've been together ever since.  

I still can't believe that was 10 years ago.  Every day with Jenny since then has been amazing, absolutely amazing.  I am the luckiest guy on the planet.  She is my angel.  I love her.  I love her, I love her, I love her!  Happy Valentine's Day, indeed! 

Your Pal,

Ben

It's TVgasm Tuesday once again! I'm sorry to say it, but I think the end of TV is fast approaching. This is even more real than the 2008 Writers' Strike. Let me explain the seven signs of the TV apocalypse. 1. Glee has made it to five seasons (and is greenlit for a sixth). Who is still watching this besides four thirteen-year-old girls in a basement, Ryan Murphy and his harem of twinks? 2. "The Bible" is now being prepared for theatrical release. We have officially run out of movie ideas, and we've now turned to the Bible. Personally, I'm more excited for the sequel "The Bible 2: Jesus Returns" featuring Ke$ha as Jesus' love interest, and then the tagline will be "Jesus is back for vengeance…..with a vengeance" and then….you know what? Somebody get me Universal Studios on the phone.

Sign number 3: Justin Bieber is giving up his beloved pet monkey. Who'd have thought this totally practical and responsible pet and this young pragmatic boy wouldn't stay together forever? Sign number 4: Ben Affleck is living on $1.50 a day, "but why?! He's rich as shit?!" I know, it's an enigma. Although I would like to point out that I don't think it really qualifies as living on a buck fifty per day if you're staying in your multimillion dollar mansion, just this honest good-looking observers opinion. Let's see what TVgasm has for us

This Week:

Sign 5: Sweet, innocent, perfect, delightful Reese Witherspoon got in trouble with the coppers! Lindsey Lohan I can take, Amanda Bynes, ok whatever I wasn't crazy about her to begin with, but you can't take Reese Witherspoon from me.

Sign 6: It's finally happened, Ryan Lochte has started promoting his show "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?", revealing to the public his lack of mental prowess, and that "what he would do" is use the phrase "I'm a man at night and a man in the morning" five times in three minutes.

Sign 7: Remember when Bravo had decent shows like Top Chef? Well, I think they've officially come to what has to be rock bottom with "Princesses Long Island". Just the title alone is enough to make me not want to watch it/take a six hour shower.

Remember: Start preparing for the imminent TV apocalypse with your loved ones and your Netflix, and at all costs stay away from *GASP* books.

Tweet me shit Ryan Lochte says @Sam_the _Stone

1/10/13

Dear Diary,

Jennifer tells me not to worry but I am mad.  The Oscar nominations came out today and I didn't get nominated for Best Director!  Snubbed.  I mean, Argo was nominated for Best Picture and I'm proud of that - but I wanted to be nominated for Best Director!  It just kind of hurts that the Academy didn't think my work was worthy of a nomination - and also, I dunno what they're playing at, but that guy Michael Haneke was nominated and he isn't even an American - and neither is Ang Lee!  What's up with that?  I'm American, born and raised.  I'm from BOSTON, damnit!  I think the Academy should show some respect - Jenny agrees with me on this, too.  She's the best :) Hi, baby! I know you're reading this!

Damon came over with some Mike's Hard.  We sat in the den and talked about the Oscars and then Matt popped in Good Will Hunting again…Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, I guess.  I mean, we both wrote the script, but I wasn't "Will"; I wasn't the star, I didn't get nominated for Best Actor, Matt did.  It's OK though, he means well.  Jenny reminded me that Matt's new movie Promised Land got bad reviews and that made me feel a little better.  I know he's my friend, but sometimes I can't help but smile when a movie of his tanks a little, LOL. 

After that I kinda just hung out around the house for a while.  I'm trying to learn how to play "Hold On Loosely" on the guitar but I just can't get it.  The chords hurt my fingers and I got frustrated so I just stopped and went to the computer and played Bejeweled while a "Cheers" re-run played on a tv in the background.  Eventually Jenny came in and gave me a hug and that made me feel better, so I got up and the two of us went to an ice cream parlor to get sundaes.  Unfortunately a dude with a camera was there trying to get pictures of us so I had to pull a knife on him (don't worry, I didn't have to stab him).

Somehow, Jenny and I were able to sneak out the back and we drove up to our favorite lookout spot in Malibu. As the sun set, I held my likable and charming yet still-able-to-kick-some-a** actress wife and couldn't help but wish I were holding a best director academy award statue instead. Sorry, baby. I know you're reading this :(

After about 40 minutes we were ready to head home and now here I am writing this entry.  All and all it was an OK day.  I didn't get nominated for Best Director but there's always next time.  And who knows, maybe we'll win Best Picture!  I have to count my blessings. 

Your friend,

Ben

Last night I went and saw The Exquisite Corpse Project, the new film by sketch group Olde English. Going into the film, I didn't know what to expect. The trailer explains the premise of the movie but only to an extent.

As a writer/comedian/creator of things/or whatever, I'm always really interested to see the process of creating things. I think it's just as entertaining, if not more so, than the actual finished product. That's what I found so interesting about the whole film. Watching these five friends and the passion they put into their writing and getting this movie made is quite interesting.

I highly suggest you buy this film from SplitSider and tell me what you think about it.

@MrChrisDonahue

It's 2013, how weird is that?!?

1. I know I keep writing about my friend Ramsey but this week he wrote about Albert Brooks' old short films and then ALBERT BROOKS mentioned it on twitter!

2. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the Evil Dead remake, but at least Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are producing it.

3. Girls returns to HBO in a week and I'm curious if Henry Zebrowski from Murderfist is going to make a return.

4. Jack White is amazing and last night his episode of Austin City Limits premiered on PBS. Here's a preview!

5. High Maintenance, the amazing web-series that you absolutely need to watch, released a preview for it's new cycle of episodes.

I hope you are following through on all your New Years Resolutions, if you need some motivation, tweet me @MrChrisDonahue

In honor of today's Golden Globe nominations and yesterday's release of the AskMen.com's list of the top 99 Most Desirable Women in the World, I'm going to make a top ten list of my most desirable Golden Globe nominees.  The only criteria is that I, DannyMoney, desire them in some way, shape, or form-- and not necessarily in a sexual way (but it CAN be!).

10) The Tiger from Life of Pi - Because I want a tiger.  Who DOESN'T want a tiger?  I desire a damned tiger immediately.

9) Joaquin Phoenix in The Master - I wouldn't mind crawling into Joaquin's character's head in The Master for a couple of hours.  The guy is so unbalanced I think it'd be like tripping on acid or PCP.  It seems so gnarly; I bet it would be one helluva ride - like riding the snake to Valhalla!  Plus, he has sex with a "sand castle woman," and that's on my bucket list already, so I could just kill two birds with one stone.

8) The 13th Amendment in Lincoln - Love this damned amendment.  It outlawed slavery!  What could possibly be more desirable than freedom?  To posses the 13th Amendment is to possess freedom itself!  Think about it!  Think of the caché!  I'd be rolling down the street with the 13th Amendment in my jeans.  "Oh, damn, Dan's looking really good today!" "Yeah man, he has FREEDOM in his pocket."  Game changer.

7) Girls - This is the life I need!  I just wanna go to warehouse parties in Brooklyn, have casual sex with beautiful people, go to impromptu weddings, get money from my parents, perform full-frontal nudity whenevs, enjoy a virtually instantaneous subway ride from Manhattan to Brooklyn, and drink and drug my way through life while simultaneously questioning my existence even though I'm only 25 years old.  Party!

6) Osama Bin Laden's head, Zero Dark Thirty - I haven't seen this movie, but I'm assuming the ending is Jessica Chastain holding up Osama Bin Laden's head.  Then again, I guess we got this in real life (America!) so I can cross this one off.

5) The world of Moonrise Kingdom - Saying I want to live in this world is basically saying I want to live inside Wes Anderson's mind.  What a cool imagination he has!  I wish the real world was more like a Wes Anderson movie: cool tunes always playing, Bill Murray hanging out everywhere you go, riding trains through India. That'd be so boss.  I bet Mark Malkoff wishes he lived in Wes Anderson's world - he and Bill Murray would have lunch every day.

4) Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook - Yes, I desire her.  Now, AskMen.com had her ranked as number one on their list, and  I can't agree with that as long as Bar Rafaeli is alive. Still, Lawrence's character in Silver Linings Playbook was pretty awesome.  She has so much spunk!  She dances her butt off!  But  I wanted to care for her character, too.  She'd had it rough.  I really wanted to be there for her so I guess what I really desire is….

3) To be Bradley Cooper's character in Silver Linings Playbook - Sure, the character is crazy, but who cares?!  He gets Jennifer Lawrence in that flick - and his dad is Robert DeNiro, AND he's friends with Chris Tucker.  Granted, he's a Philadelphia Eagles fan and that sucks (since I'm a New York Giants fan and, you know, a human with a soul), but I guess if I were Bradley Cooper's Silver Linings character, I wouldn't even know that the Eagles suck.  Basically, to quote Ace Ventura: "If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use YOUR body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!"

2) "On My Own" from Les Misérables - Hands down, this is one of the most moving songs of all-time.  I love it.  I listen to it daily.  The emotion is just so… coupled with the melody… the sentiment… the imagery… Oh, I can't take it!  Just cue it up!

1) Ben Affleck's beard in Argo - This is a perfect beard.  It's so subtle you don't even realize at first how balanced it is, how nuanced.  You see, Affleck knows the mustache is the commander of the beard.  He allows the mustache to command his beard, yet, like any good leader, the mustache knows it's only as good as the sum of its parts.  Therefore, the mustache sits back just a bit to let the rest of the beard get more attention.  Thus achieving balance and attaining perfection.  Watch out Whisker Wars: Affleck is in town.

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