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Welcome to another TVgasm Thursday, brought to you by…..finals week and also several long flights I was on. Important things are happening. Things you should know about. Namely renewals and cancellations for next season. The New Normal has (finally, thank god) been cancelled because, I assume, people got tired of looking at Andrew Rannells' perfect Ken Doll hair. Smash has also been cancelled because, I assume, people finally realized it didn't make sense. I love you Smash, but there's only so many times a character can go to a karaoke bar, like they have to do other stuff you know?

Also, Bill Hader is leaving SNL, and The Office is ending, and everything that I love is disappearing. Let's see what TVgasm has

This Week:

Do you remember how we talked about the ridiculous amount of money The Real Housewives make? Well now they're asking for more (naturally, because replacing your entire face every five years gets expensive!). On a related note, this country is in a recession, but more importantly who can blame The Countess for wanting a few more bucks?

On a much happier note, Arrested Development has released a trailer for their new season, and it doesn't disappoint ! They're also doing some really cool marketing stuff you should check out!

Macauly Culkin, what happened to you?! You used to be adorable and hilarious and now you're…..addicted to coke? He's a party monster, but like…an actual monster. The scary kind. I'll let TVgasm give you the gritty, blonde, slightly off putting details

Remember: You too can have perfect Andrew Rannells hair, but you'll probably have to sacrifice everything else in your life

Tweet me what the next Real Housewives vacation destination should be! @Sam_the_Stone (my vote is for the jungles of Madagascar)

Welcome to another TVgasm Tuesday! Because I've made it my duty to inform the general public of pertinent and important information, I think I should tell you right away about the social event of the year, nay….the decade. It's a Honey Boo Boo wedding, y'all. If my sources are correct the theme will be "The Victorian Era" and it will take place at Buckinham Palace where Queen Elizabeth will be the ring bearer/flower girl. Do you want to feel bad about yourself!? Of course you do! Go read about how much more money The Real Housewives make than you.  I mean sure, I haven't bought groceries in a few weeks, but it makes sense that these women get paid millions of dollars for drinking white wine and fake laughing all day. 

Ok this one actually cheered me up a little bit after my post Real Housewives-rage: Justin Bieber reportedly got attacked/humped/hugged while on stage at a concert in Dubai. Ah to be a young desperate horny Justin Bieber fan in Dubai! Oh…just kidding that actually sounds like the worst. And last, but most certainly not least, it's now being reported that Steve Carrel will for sure be returning for the series finale of the Office! What are these feelings I'm feeling? Happy, horribly depressed, lonely, ecstatic? Let's see what TVgasm has

This Week:

Joe Francis could face up to five years in jail for assaulting some women after taking them to his home. Who would have thought the creator of "Girl Gone Wild" wouldn't have respect for women?!

Do you guys remember Fantasia Barrino? She won American Idol at some point, and then she probably did some other stuff (like the Wendy Williams Show, and The Color Purple). Let's find out together what her deal is!

Please tell me you've been following the Lindsey Lohan going to rehab drama. First she was going, and then she wasn't going, and now she's there….but for how long? My guess is she'll somehow take over the rehab facility in some kind of Lord of the Flies type drama. 

Remember: If you're ever in need of money, put on some press-on nails, dye your skin fluorescent orange, and wait for Bravo to arrive to start taping you

Tweet me your Honey Boo Boo wedding vows @Sam_The_Stone

It's TVgasm Tuesday once again! I'm sorry to say it, but I think the end of TV is fast approaching. This is even more real than the 2008 Writers' Strike. Let me explain the seven signs of the TV apocalypse. 1. Glee has made it to five seasons (and is greenlit for a sixth). Who is still watching this besides four thirteen-year-old girls in a basement, Ryan Murphy and his harem of twinks? 2. "The Bible" is now being prepared for theatrical release. We have officially run out of movie ideas, and we've now turned to the Bible. Personally, I'm more excited for the sequel "The Bible 2: Jesus Returns" featuring Ke$ha as Jesus' love interest, and then the tagline will be "Jesus is back for vengeance…..with a vengeance" and then….you know what? Somebody get me Universal Studios on the phone.

Sign number 3: Justin Bieber is giving up his beloved pet monkey. Who'd have thought this totally practical and responsible pet and this young pragmatic boy wouldn't stay together forever? Sign number 4: Ben Affleck is living on $1.50 a day, "but why?! He's rich as shit?!" I know, it's an enigma. Although I would like to point out that I don't think it really qualifies as living on a buck fifty per day if you're staying in your multimillion dollar mansion, just this honest good-looking observers opinion. Let's see what TVgasm has for us

This Week:

Sign 5: Sweet, innocent, perfect, delightful Reese Witherspoon got in trouble with the coppers! Lindsey Lohan I can take, Amanda Bynes, ok whatever I wasn't crazy about her to begin with, but you can't take Reese Witherspoon from me.

Sign 6: It's finally happened, Ryan Lochte has started promoting his show "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?", revealing to the public his lack of mental prowess, and that "what he would do" is use the phrase "I'm a man at night and a man in the morning" five times in three minutes.

Sign 7: Remember when Bravo had decent shows like Top Chef? Well, I think they've officially come to what has to be rock bottom with "Princesses Long Island". Just the title alone is enough to make me not want to watch it/take a six hour shower.

Remember: Start preparing for the imminent TV apocalypse with your loved ones and your Netflix, and at all costs stay away from *GASP* books.

Tweet me shit Ryan Lochte says @Sam_the _Stone

It's another TVgasm Tuesday, and did you guys know that the Grammys are a thing!? They are, go check them out. Also, Beyoncé did another interview with Vogue just to make sure everyone knows that she's flawless, which you should watch obviously. If these both didn't make you happy, the newly announced Netflix-Dreamworks animation series should at least make you giggle a little bit to yourself. Dreamworks never disappoints. Overall, I'd say it's been a solid week. Let's see what TVgasm has...

This Week:

Did you guys catch SNL last Saturday? Go check out their latest Bravo parody shows, and lets all countdown the days until Bravo actually starts taping The Real Houseplants of Beverly Hills.

It's getting to be that dreaded time of the year: Valentine's Day. Luckily, TVgasm has the rundown on celebrity relationships to distract you from your crippling loneliness and self-loathing. Thanks, TVgasm!

Amanda Bynes, look at your life. Look at your choices. Before you try to start twitter beef, try to remember that you're an adult (probably). Check out TVgasm for the entire story.

Remember: If you don't have anyone this Valentine's Day, try to forget about how terribly alone you are, and eat some chocolate your mom bought you.

@Sam_The_Stone

It's TVgasm Tuesday once again, and as a welcome gift to April, I have possibly the most news I've ever had in one post. Let's get down to business right away. I'm hearing a lot about a Finding Nemo sequel called Finding Dory. I don't know that many details, but I'm assuming the movie will be about finding someone. Possibly Dory. Stay tuned for more details. Game of Thrones premiered last night, so we all got to learn who among our friends are the undercover nerds.

Also, The Walking Dead had its season finale, which you should read about. Also did you know Taylor Swift is scheduled to guest star on New Girl in a few weeks? Listen, maybe she'll be great, and if she is you have my full permission to tell me I am a terrible person, but my prediction is it'll be rough, and she'll play some kind of deluded crazy-pants ex-girlfriend (….so like herself), and everyone will politely clap until she's done. Bravo renewed a bunch of Real Housewife series, proving once and for all that these women will never die and these shows will run forever. Let's see what TVgasm has...

This Week:

For a few weeks now there have been rumors floating around about Jimmy Fallon taking over Jay Leno's late night spot, and finally the two made a video together addressing the rumors (in the best way possible obviously). I mean, I'm a big fan of Jimmy Fallon because of this moment, but we'll see what happens.

Americas Most Wanted has been on for…my entire life I'm pretty sure, so when I heard it was canceled I was a little relieved to be honest. I mean it was on the Lifetime Network, the place where TV shows go to die, and are reborn into TV movie gems like Cyberbully, starring Emily Osment. 

FX is starting a new network called FXX (which I thought was supposed to be like FX for women, like some kind of chromosome joke, but apparently not), and a bunch of shows are moving exclusively over to that network! Click to find out which ones!

Remember: If you want to live forever, follow the Real Housewives diet of hard alcohol, Diet Coke, and meanness.

Tweet me the nickname you're trying to make happen for yourself @Sam_the_stone

Welcome, once again, to TVgasm Tuesday! I have some very good news and some very, very bad news for you guys. First, the good news (actually two pieces of good news): Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are for sure hosting the Golden Globes this year, so I can die happy AND Beyonce is for sure performing at the Super Bowl halftime show, which is probably the thing that will kill me. I don't really know how to break the bad news to you guys. You know when you see someone on the street, and you're like "Oh God I would hate to ever see that person having sex", and….well I guess what I'm trying to say is Hulk Hogan released a sex tape, which I can now add to the list of things I hate more than global warming and racists. Ok, try to stop barfing, and let's see what TVgasm has for us

This Week:

If there's one thing we don't need on this earth it is more celebrity offspring. At some point they have to just run out of random nouns to name their children right? Space-heater? Scissors? Are we going to keep pretend these are appropriate names, America? Click to find out which celeb is thinking about children.

Who doesn't scream "SHUT UP" at their TV while watching Bravo shows? I know I do, and so does TVgasm. Read this weeks Watch What Happens Recap because who knows Maybe Jill Zarin will finally figure out what it is she's trying to say with all that talking.

Have you heard about Lindsay Lohan's new movie "Liz & Dick"? She's scheduled to be interviewed by Barbara Walters to promote the movie, and TVgasm has the full story. I assume by "interview" it means Babs and Linds will share a few bong rips and reminisce about the 90's (the Walters-Lohan golden years)

Remember: Don't, under any circumstances, watch Hulk Hogan's sex tape. This isn't even a joke, I'm just trying to save you, Internet.

Ok so I lied in my last post, TODAY is actually the last "TVgasm Tuesday" in July. Sorry I don't know how to use a calendar; I was raised to believe they were the work of the devil so I usually just kind of guess what day it is. Also, please stop sending me hate mail about it. I can't tell you how many rude letters I've received (because I was also raised to believe that counting was satan's armchair. I know the analogies were a little weak but I was only 5-years-old, you know?). However, the important thing to remember is that we have ONE more "TVgasm Tuesday" of July and it's happening RIGHT NOW. SEIZE THE DAY. 

This week:

In TVgasm's original animated series Mornin' Time, your favorite sassy Southern anchorwoman Quinnifer LeBah keeps you up to date on the latest fashion trends. Guess I have to go get myself some pencil skirts now.

Do you love dancing? Do you love stars? Do you love watching Joey Fatone try to pull off that weird goatee thing he's had forever? I'm assuming you love all of those things, and if so get excited, because Dancing With The Stars just announced the cast for next season. Go to TVgasm for the details!

Honestly, it's hard to watch most Bravo shows without getting a little catty with your friends, and TVgasm totally gets that. If you can't be with your own friends though, listen to Tvgasm's Watch What Crappens podcast for the latest news, and some added sass

Remember: If Joey Fatone can have the same beard for 47 years, you can wear the same pencil skirt for at least a week

Today is Tuesday, and that means a lot of things: you got through the horror that is Monday; there's a new episode of Dance Moms; most importantly it means that it's TVgasm Tuesday again! So many things happened in the magical land of TV since last week that I got a little overloaded and had to spend a few hours in the fetal position eating Doritos and drinking room temperature water (and I mean that in, like, the least crazy way possible).

This week on TVgasm:

Bethennny Frankel, the scariest housewife from RHONY, got her own talk show. I'll just let that sink in for a second. TVgasm has some thoughts on Bethenny's show, and I know they'd love to share them with you. Plus, the article includes a video of the entire first episode so you can watch her get "real" (her words not mine), as many times as you want. 

Speaking of Housewives, Teresa Giudice was on The View to talk about her experience on RHONJ, and it was intense. Go read TVgasm's write up to get the scoop, and to learn about all the different ways to pronounce Teresa's last name (or she'll rip out your weave).

Finally, Bill Murray was on Letterman a couple days ago and…well I won't give it away, but his appearance confirms what I've been telling people for years: He and Tupac have SO MUCH in common.

Remember: Famous people love you as much as you love them, so keep spooning with your television no matter what society says.