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1/14/13

Dear Diary,

So. Hung. Over.  

Haha, OMG, last night was one of the best, craziest nights of my life!  I didn't just win one Golden Globe, I won two!  How amazing is that?

So the night started pretty much like you'd expect.  A little blow in the limo just to get the feeling right; I only do that kind of thing before big awards shows nowadays, unless of course I'm hanging out with Damon.  They don't call him "China White" for nothing.

The red carpet is always the same.  I hate it.  I know I'm an actor and I should be used to the attention but I don't, I just don't.  Too many eyes on me.  I get uncomfortable.  I sweat.  I have dark thoughts.  Thank god I have Jenny with me.  I don't think I could have bared the prying eyes any longer if not for my beautiful angel protecting me on that red carpet.  I love you, baby.

But once I'm inside the hotel, I come alive!  All my friends are there, the Mike's Hard Lemonade is flowing, and I'm feeling groovy!  Not worried about winning or losing at this point, just looking to have a good time and catch up with friends I haven't seen in a long time.  I mean, how often do I get to make fun of Anne Hathaway with Jennifer Lawrence?  Hathaway's mouth is freakin' huge, LOL!

And then the ceremony starts and Tina and Amy totally are killing it and next thing you know Jodie's speech is totally confusing me and I'm hoisting a best director statue!  So thrilling.  Like, of course I said that winning doesn't mean as much as being mentioned in the same breath as the other directors nominated but we all know that's a load of bullshit.  You play to win the game, simple as that.  Maybe DeNiro will start taking my calls now that I've finally won a globe.  

More Mike's Hard and kisses with Jenny and then Argo wins best picture.  The best.  Night.  Ever.  Standing onstage with all of those talented people looking at all of the drunk A-listers applauding me is like standing atop Mount Olympus as Zeus bathes you in the golden tear drops of Helen of Troy.  Boner city, LOL.

After that we went to the after party and I don't even think I can even write down an account of the debauchery that transpired.  Let me just say Clooney doesn't always get naked, but when he does, you KNOW it's a good night.  And then let me say John Goodman doesn't always get naked, but when he does you know we're heading to White Castle sooner than later.  I know, so Hollywood, right? ;)

Okay I need to take some Advil and get in the hot tob with my Golden Globes.  It's been so amazing.  I love the me that I am.  I love Jenny.  I love movies!!!!  Haha, ok, ok, bye for now diary.

Yours,

Ben

PS - Arkin's head isn't the only thing that's bald :-p

It's another TVgasm Tuesday, and just in time, too! I mean for one thing, The Golden Globes happened, and Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were perf as expected. Bill Clinton showed up, so you know it was an awesome party. Justin Timberlake released a new song (from his album which will be dropping later this year) called Suit and Tie, and no one really knows how to feel about it. Finally, and this one may be the biggest deal of all, NBC leaked the first half episode of the new season of SMASH, you can watch it here, and then tell me what you think. Personally, I'm a big fan of Jennifer Hudson singing loudly AND Jeremy Jordan's arms, so overall I was pretty happy with it. Let's see if anything TVgasm has can top Jeremy Jordan's heart-melting arms...

This Week:

Did you see that kind of awkward moment at the Golden Globes where someone made fun of Taylor Swift, and she kind of looked like she was going to cry? What's that? Oh, just that she ALWAYS looks like she's going to cry? Maybe some advice from TVgasm could help her out.

The original pop-star trainwreck mess, Britney Spears, has some sad news to share, and unfortunately it is not that she's following in the steps of her diva nemesis LiLo by starring in a Lifetime movie. Click to find out what happened.

I'm sure you've heard a lot about the new Kardashian baby, but has anyone actually taken the time to interview the fetus to see what his (her?) opinion is on all of the controversy? TVgasm took the initiative, and found a way to get this baby to write a blog post. Check it out!

Remember: If Justin Timberlake forces you to listen to his new single in front of him, just smile and nod and tell him it sounds like he finally "found his voice" or something nonsensical like that. Singers love that.

Tweet me all your unruly opinions! @Sam_the_stone

In honor of today's Golden Globe nominations and yesterday's release of the AskMen.com's list of the top 99 Most Desirable Women in the World, I'm going to make a top ten list of my most desirable Golden Globe nominees.  The only criteria is that I, DannyMoney, desire them in some way, shape, or form-- and not necessarily in a sexual way (but it CAN be!).

10) The Tiger from Life of Pi - Because I want a tiger.  Who DOESN'T want a tiger?  I desire a damned tiger immediately.

9) Joaquin Phoenix in The Master - I wouldn't mind crawling into Joaquin's character's head in The Master for a couple of hours.  The guy is so unbalanced I think it'd be like tripping on acid or PCP.  It seems so gnarly; I bet it would be one helluva ride - like riding the snake to Valhalla!  Plus, he has sex with a "sand castle woman," and that's on my bucket list already, so I could just kill two birds with one stone.

8) The 13th Amendment in Lincoln - Love this damned amendment.  It outlawed slavery!  What could possibly be more desirable than freedom?  To posses the 13th Amendment is to possess freedom itself!  Think about it!  Think of the caché!  I'd be rolling down the street with the 13th Amendment in my jeans.  "Oh, damn, Dan's looking really good today!" "Yeah man, he has FREEDOM in his pocket."  Game changer.

7) Girls - This is the life I need!  I just wanna go to warehouse parties in Brooklyn, have casual sex with beautiful people, go to impromptu weddings, get money from my parents, perform full-frontal nudity whenevs, enjoy a virtually instantaneous subway ride from Manhattan to Brooklyn, and drink and drug my way through life while simultaneously questioning my existence even though I'm only 25 years old.  Party!

6) Osama Bin Laden's head, Zero Dark Thirty - I haven't seen this movie, but I'm assuming the ending is Jessica Chastain holding up Osama Bin Laden's head.  Then again, I guess we got this in real life (America!) so I can cross this one off.

5) The world of Moonrise Kingdom - Saying I want to live in this world is basically saying I want to live inside Wes Anderson's mind.  What a cool imagination he has!  I wish the real world was more like a Wes Anderson movie: cool tunes always playing, Bill Murray hanging out everywhere you go, riding trains through India. That'd be so boss.  I bet Mark Malkoff wishes he lived in Wes Anderson's world - he and Bill Murray would have lunch every day.

4) Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook - Yes, I desire her.  Now, AskMen.com had her ranked as number one on their list, and  I can't agree with that as long as Bar Rafaeli is alive. Still, Lawrence's character in Silver Linings Playbook was pretty awesome.  She has so much spunk!  She dances her butt off!  But  I wanted to care for her character, too.  She'd had it rough.  I really wanted to be there for her so I guess what I really desire is….

3) To be Bradley Cooper's character in Silver Linings Playbook - Sure, the character is crazy, but who cares?!  He gets Jennifer Lawrence in that flick - and his dad is Robert DeNiro, AND he's friends with Chris Tucker.  Granted, he's a Philadelphia Eagles fan and that sucks (since I'm a New York Giants fan and, you know, a human with a soul), but I guess if I were Bradley Cooper's Silver Linings character, I wouldn't even know that the Eagles suck.  Basically, to quote Ace Ventura: "If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use YOUR body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!"

2) "On My Own" from Les Misérables - Hands down, this is one of the most moving songs of all-time.  I love it.  I listen to it daily.  The emotion is just so… coupled with the melody… the sentiment… the imagery… Oh, I can't take it!  Just cue it up!

1) Ben Affleck's beard in Argo - This is a perfect beard.  It's so subtle you don't even realize at first how balanced it is, how nuanced.  You see, Affleck knows the mustache is the commander of the beard.  He allows the mustache to command his beard, yet, like any good leader, the mustache knows it's only as good as the sum of its parts.  Therefore, the mustache sits back just a bit to let the rest of the beard get more attention.  Thus achieving balance and attaining perfection.  Watch out Whisker Wars: Affleck is in town.

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