I lost my Oscar.
I don't know where it is! I'm so embarrassed I don't know what to say. I mean, here I am winning an Oscar for Best Picture of the year, and then the next thing I know Clooney's giving me my eighth shot of anisette and my mother's calling Jenny because Vi shit the bed again or something and bingo-bango my Oscar is missing and the Los Angeles police doesn't seem to give a damn.
When I realized it was gone last night I cried a little bit, though I don't really remember it. I do remember that f***ing little princess Anne Hathaway yelling in my face about how she was picked most likely to succeed in high school and how it is totally coming true, and also how Devito was cracking me up talking about his penis but I can't - remember - where - my - Oscar - is. This sucks. I earned that Oscar! It's mine!
Oh well, maybe the Academy will get me another one. I still have the one I won for writing with Matt, but this one is cooler - I mean, would you rather win an Oscar with Matt Damon or George Clooney? Kind of a no brainer, though Matt's cool, don't get me wrong, but he only has a single Oscar and I have two - well, I've won two but like I said, I lost the one last night.
That doesn't change the fact that I didn't win it, though! And that's enough. Jenny says that's enough. And I think it is, I just wouldn't mind having the Oscar, the actual thing, but whatever. I had a fun night. Maybe it'll turn up. Regardless, I am truly blessed. I have to call and thank everyone for making last night so special and maybe throw a brick through Anne Hathaway's window because she sucks.
Bye bye, diary!
Sincerely, with love,
Two-time Academy Award Winner,