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1. The Olympics are over. The USA had more medals than any other country. The closing ceremony felt like one really long Annie Lennox video, which was actually pretty fun, until we learned that Great Britain considers Jessie J a national treasure, which, frankly, is really disappointing.

2. The Jeremy Renner era of the Bourne franchise was compelling enough to knock The Dark Knight Rises from the top spot in the weekend box office.

3. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got engaged! Finally, America's favorite spinster can be really really really really really happy. On another note, we assume that since their romance heated up on the set of Wanderlust, David Wain must be really good at helping people find true love. We smell a matchmaking reality series!

4. Miley Cyrus cut off all her hair! Well, not all of it, just most of it. And it's platinum blonde! I can't be the only one who hopes this is all part of her master plan to get a Legend of Billie Jean remake greenlit.

5. Shark Week 2012 started on Sunday! And Shark Week is 25 years old! You'd think that by now people would be tired of Shark Week, but, no. People love sharks. Except for people who have galeophobia- a word we learned in an episode of Daily Grace. The more you know!

Dear Jon Hamm,

Your penis has been getting a lot of attention lately. There were some pictures of you and your lovely girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt, and everyone couldn't help but notice what a lovely, um, package you, uh, had-- and not the shopping bag you were holding.

Many of my internet compatriots have taken to analyzing the pictures to determine whether or not these pictures are real or, you know, Photoshop.

We propose that you let our resident merry mad man of McMayhem ask you a question he recently posed to a lot of people in Los Angeles: "How's Your Dick?" Seems appropriate. You should watch the video and let us know. There's even an accidental guest appearance by pro skateboarder Ishod Wair! Yes! It was entirely unintentional! Just as unintentional, we suppose, as you inspiring an entire single serving Tumblr with your wang.

So, think about it. That's all. Let me know. I live at My Damn Channel. I can make these things happen. Or you can tweet me @mariaalana, if you'd like to have the conversation take place in a completely public forum. Doesn't really seem like you have anything to hide.

Sincerely,
Maria

I lost my Oscar.

I don't know where it is! I'm so embarrassed I don't know what to say.  I mean, here I am winning an Oscar for Best Picture of the year, and then the next thing I know Clooney's giving me my eighth shot of anisette and my mother's calling Jenny because Vi shit the bed again or something and bingo-bango my Oscar is missing and the Los Angeles police doesn't seem to give a damn.  

When I realized it was gone last night I cried a little bit, though I don't really remember it.  I do remember that f***ing little princess Anne Hathaway yelling in my face about how she was picked most likely to succeed in high school and how it is totally coming true, and also how Devito was cracking me up talking about his penis but I can't - remember - where - my - Oscar - is.  This sucks.  I earned that Oscar!  It's mine!

Oh well, maybe the Academy will get me another one.  I still have the one I won for writing with Matt, but this one is cooler - I mean, would you rather win an Oscar with Matt Damon or George Clooney?   Kind of a no brainer, though Matt's cool, don't get me wrong, but he only has a single Oscar and I have two - well, I've won two but like I said, I lost the one last night.  

That doesn't change the fact that I didn't win it, though!  And that's enough.  Jenny says that's enough.  And I think it is, I just wouldn't mind having the Oscar, the actual thing, but whatever.  I had a fun night.  Maybe it'll turn up.  Regardless, I am truly blessed.  I have to call and thank everyone for making last night so special and maybe throw a brick through Anne Hathaway's window because she sucks.

Bye bye, diary!

Sincerely, with love,

Two-time Academy Award Winner,

Benjamin Affleck

Dear Diary,

It's me, Ben.  Haha oh wait, I keep forgetting you don't have to do that.  This is my diary, so who else would it be?  I can be such a shmendrik sometimes, it's unbelievable.  

Well anyways, diary, my loyal friend, I just wanted to spend today talking about Jenny.  It's Valentine's Day, and I spent all day with her.  Loving her, praising her, laughing with her… I love her so much, I don't know what I'd do without her.

I remember when I met her on the first day of production on Daredevil.  She walked onto the set and yelled, "I'm fucking hungry!" and went over to the craft service table straight for the corned beef and I thought, "Now THIS is a woman."  So I started to walk over to the table to talk to her but before I could get to her Colin Farrell made his move.  Next thing I know she's laughing wildly, touching his arm… I was already heartbroken.  I had fallen in love with her at first sight, just like in the movies.

Being the romantic that I am, I immediately went into a tizzy and retreated to my trailer for some cigarettes and a Bayer, hoping I could just clear my head and stop crying before filming began in an hour.  

I decided to call Matt.  He's my BFF and he just has this way with girls that I envy - I mean, he got a number, how do you like them apples, LOL!  So I told him how Colin was being a big jerk and ruining my chances with Jenny Garner and I rambled on and on until Matt stopped me and said, "Hey, man.  I don't wanna hear any of this sad sap baloney.  You're Ben Affleck.  Was Colin Farrell in Pearl Harbor?  Was Colin Farrell in Bounce?  No.  He was not.  YOU were.  Now, get out there and win that woman's heart!"  

And that's what I did.  I slammed down the phone, downed three shots of drambuie, went back onto the set, walked up to Jenny, looked Colin in the eyes and said, "Get the fuck out of here."  Then I pushed him down to the ground, turned around and planted a big kiss right on Jenny's mouth.  BOOM!  We've been together ever since.  

I still can't believe that was 10 years ago.  Every day with Jenny since then has been amazing, absolutely amazing.  I am the luckiest guy on the planet.  She is my angel.  I love her.  I love her, I love her, I love her!  Happy Valentine's Day, indeed! 

Your Pal,

Ben

It's another TVgasm Thursday! Did you know Beyoncé is in the Illuminati?! Yeah I didn't either, but apparently there's a whole slew of celebrities that are illuminati on the down low. You can get the full run down here. Also, praise the teeny tiny baby jesus, Kristin Wiig is gonna be in another movie (with Darren Criss #swoon). If you can believe it, Two and A Half Men will be getting even weirder with the newly announced addition to the family. Since a girl will be joining the cast, and Angus T Jones is approximately 45 by now, I'm assuming the show will now be called Three Men, a Woman, and Weird Sexual Tension. 

Jennifer Love Hewitt is now pregnant, and honestly, I don't even want to know how many names her baby will have (for the record my guess is six and then one with a hyphen). And finally Bravo premiered "Princesses: Long Island", which is apparently like a trashy Grey Gardens and you can read all about it. Let's see what TVgasm has

This Week

Well we all saw it coming: Bravo's newest show is called "Eat Drink Love". It's just like the movie, except it's set in LA, it's about the culinary scene, and also it's nothing like the movie. 

While we're on the subject of (terrible) Bravo shows set in CA, I think it's time we offer the (terrible) women of The Real Housewives of Orange County some (terrible) advice. Click to read this weeks Dear Tvgasm.

What can I say to Amanda Bynes at this point that I haven't already? Listen Amanda you're a treasure. A real American cultural gem. I'd be surprised if Nick Cage didn't try to kidnap you in the next National Treasure. Please, please never stop your hijinks. 

Remember: If you're on Princesses Long Island and you're reading this…..do you….uh….wanna get drinks or something

Tweet me (but only if you're a Long Island Princess) @Sam_the_stone

Daily Grace and Beth Lynch, sitting in a tree, C-O-M-M-E-N-T… ing on Comments!

Who doesn't have a lady crush on Grace? Other than the dudes that have a crush on her… other than that though, total lady crush.

Great comment Beth Lynch! Great comment!