Found 15 results for "jennifer garner"

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  • The Night Feed

    Ben Affleck's Diary - OSCAR NIGHT!

    I lost my Oscar.

    I don't know where it is! I'm so embarrassed I don't know what to say.  I mean, here I am winning an Oscar for Best Picture of the year, and then the next thing I know Clooney's giving me my eighth shot of anisette and my mother's calling Jenny because Vi shit the bed again or something and bingo-bango my Oscar is missing and the Los Angeles police doesn't seem to give a damn.  

    When I realized it was gone last night I cried a little bit, though I don't really remember it.  I do remember that f***ing little princess Anne Hathaway yelling in my face about how she was picked most likely to succeed in high school and how it is totally coming true, and also how Devito was cracking me up talking about his penis but I can't - remember - where - my - Oscar - is.  This sucks.  I earned that Oscar!  It's mine!

    Oh well, maybe the Academy will get me another one.  I still have the one I won for writing with Matt, but this one is cooler - I mean, would you rather win an Oscar with Matt Damon or George Clooney?   Kind of a no brainer, though Matt's cool, don't get me wrong, but he only has a single Oscar and I have two - well, I've won two but like I said, I lost the one last night.  

    That doesn't change the fact that I didn't win it, though!  And that's enough.  Jenny says that's enough.  And I think it is, I just wouldn't mind having the Oscar, the actual thing, but whatever.  I had a fun night.  Maybe it'll turn up.  Regardless, I am truly blessed.  I have to call and thank everyone for making last night so special and maybe throw a brick through Anne Hathaway's window because she sucks.

    Bye bye, diary!

    Sincerely, with love,

    Two-time Academy Award Winner,

    Benjamin Affleck


  • The Night Feed

    Ben Affleck's Diary


    Dear Diary,

    Jennifer tells me not to worry but I am mad.  The Oscar nominations came out today and I didn't get nominated for Best Director!  Snubbed.  I mean, Argo was nominated for Best Picture and I'm proud of that - but I wanted to be nominated for Best Director!  It just kind of hurts that the Academy didn't think my work was worthy of a nomination - and also, I dunno what they're playing at, but that guy Michael Haneke was nominated and he isn't even an American - and neither is Ang Lee!  What's up with that?  I'm American, born and raised.  I'm from BOSTON, damnit!  I think the Academy should show some respect - Jenny agrees with me on this, too.  She's the best :) Hi, baby! I know you're reading this!

    Damon came over with some Mike's Hard.  We sat in the den and talked about the Oscars and then Matt popped in Good Will Hunting again…Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, I guess.  I mean, we both wrote the script, but I wasn't "Will"; I wasn't the star, I didn't get nominated for Best Actor, Matt did.  It's OK though, he means well.  Jenny reminded me that Matt's new movie Promised Land got bad reviews and that made me feel a little better.  I know he's my friend, but sometimes I can't help but smile when a movie of his tanks a little, LOL. 

    After that I kinda just hung out around the house for a while.  I'm trying to learn how to play "Hold On Loosely" on the guitar but I just can't get it.  The chords hurt my fingers and I got frustrated so I just stopped and went to the computer and played Bejeweled while a "Cheers" re-run played on a tv in the background.  Eventually Jenny came in and gave me a hug and that made me feel better, so I got up and the two of us went to an ice cream parlor to get sundaes.  Unfortunately a dude with a camera was there trying to get pictures of us so I had to pull a knife on him (don't worry, I didn't have to stab him).

    Somehow, Jenny and I were able to sneak out the back and we drove up to our favorite lookout spot in Malibu. As the sun set, I held my likable and charming yet still-able-to-kick-some-a** actress wife and couldn't help but wish I were holding a best director academy award statue instead. Sorry, baby. I know you're reading this :(

    After about 40 minutes we were ready to head home and now here I am writing this entry.  All and all it was an OK day.  I didn't get nominated for Best Director but there's always next time.  And who knows, maybe we'll win Best Picture!  I have to count my blessings. 

    Your friend,



  • The Night Feed

    Ben Affleck's Diary - Valentine's Day

    Dear Diary,

    It's me, Ben.  Haha oh wait, I keep forgetting you don't have to do that.  This is my diary, so who else would it be?  I can be such a shmendrik sometimes, it's unbelievable.  

    Well anyways, diary, my loyal friend, I just wanted to spend today talking about Jenny.  It's Valentine's Day, and I spent all day with her.  Loving her, praising her, laughing with her… I love her so much, I don't know what I'd do without her.

    I remember when I met her on the first day of production on Daredevil.  She walked onto the set and yelled, "I'm fucking hungry!" and went over to the craft service table straight for the corned beef and I thought, "Now THIS is a woman."  So I started to walk over to the table to talk to her but before I could get to her Colin Farrell made his move.  Next thing I know she's laughing wildly, touching his arm… I was already heartbroken.  I had fallen in love with her at first sight, just like in the movies.

    Being the romantic that I am, I immediately went into a tizzy and retreated to my trailer for some cigarettes and a Bayer, hoping I could just clear my head and stop crying before filming began in an hour.  

    I decided to call Matt.  He's my BFF and he just has this way with girls that I envy - I mean, he got a number, how do you like them apples, LOL!  So I told him how Colin was being a big jerk and ruining my chances with Jenny Garner and I rambled on and on until Matt stopped me and said, "Hey, man.  I don't wanna hear any of this sad sap baloney.  You're Ben Affleck.  Was Colin Farrell in Pearl Harbor?  Was Colin Farrell in Bounce?  No.  He was not.  YOU were.  Now, get out there and win that woman's heart!"  

    And that's what I did.  I slammed down the phone, downed three shots of drambuie, went back onto the set, walked up to Jenny, looked Colin in the eyes and said, "Get the fuck out of here."  Then I pushed him down to the ground, turned around and planted a big kiss right on Jenny's mouth.  BOOM!  We've been together ever since.  

    I still can't believe that was 10 years ago.  Every day with Jenny since then has been amazing, absolutely amazing.  I am the luckiest guy on the planet.  She is my angel.  I love her.  I love her, I love her, I love her!  Happy Valentine's Day, indeed! 

    Your Pal,



  • The Night Feed

    Box of Lies with Jennifer Lawrence

    I think Jennifer Lawrence is a great actress, seems like a nice person, and is super duper attractive obviously.  Like, I'm attracted to her.  But everyone says my sister looks so much like her.  All the time!  It bothers me, freaks me out a little.  "I don't want to have sex with my sister!  I don't want to have sex with my sister!" I scream this at least three times a week.



  • The Night Feed

    The Hunger Games Theme Parks Are Coming, And That's Terrible

    When I read this headline the first time, I thought it was from The Onion. I seriously thought it was a joke, because, like, in what universe would anyone think this is a good idea?

    Well, apparently, this one. Which, incidentally, is the same universe where you can buy CoverGirl “Capitol Beauty Studio” makeup, Capitol Couture clothing created by the Catching Fire wardrobe designer, and Subway “Fiery Footlong” sandwiches. Because nothing evokes the spirit of a world where impoverished, starving children are forced to kill each other on reality TV to provide food for their districts like putting a pound of meat between two twelve-inch slices of bread and eating it all in one sitting!


    I thought the Subway thing was bad. (Seriously, can you imagine how the mere idea of a Subway footlong would go down in District 12? “That sandwich would feed my family for a week!” “Well, uh, sometimes I put half of it in the fridge and eat it for dinner?”) But theme parks?


    The most obvious comparison here is the success of The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Orlando. But the difference between Harry Potter and The Hunger Games is that while Harry Potter, like Hunger Games, is about a horrific war being fought by teenagers, you still get the feeling that magical Britain would be a fun place to live. Hogwarts is awesome, when it’s not being run by Death Eaters, and you can’t tell me you never wanted to visit Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade! Plus, the food is worth the trip alone – Chocolate Frogs and Butterbeer, anyone?

    Panem, on the other hand, is miserable by definition. It’s a dystopia. There’s a reason no one has ever suggested a theme park based on 1984 or Animal Farm.  Even when Katniss isn’t murdering her teenage peers on TV, it’s not like she’s having a grand old time on the Quidditch pitch. She’s shooting squirrels for food and watching her best friend get beat down by Peacekeepers.  THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING FUN ABOUT THESE BOOKS AT ALL. THEY ARE ENJOYABLE, BUT NOT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO LIVE INSIDE THEM.


    I just… can’t.


    We are the Capitol, you guys.

    Liz / @lizbelsky


  • McMayhem

    Open Letter To Jon Hamm

    Dear Jon Hamm,

    Your penis has been getting a lot of attention lately. There were some pictures of you and your lovely girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt, and everyone couldn't help but notice what a lovely, um, package you, uh, had-- and not the shopping bag you were holding.

    Many of my internet compatriots have taken to analyzing the pictures to determine whether or not these pictures are real or, you know, Photoshop.

    We propose that you let our resident merry mad man of McMayhem ask you a question he recently posed to a lot of people in Los Angeles: "How's Your Dick?" Seems appropriate. You should watch the video and let us know. There's even an accidental guest appearance by pro skateboarder Ishod Wair! Yes! It was entirely unintentional! Just as unintentional, we suppose, as you inspiring an entire single serving Tumblr with your wang.

    So, think about it. That's all. Let me know. I live at My Damn Channel. I can make these things happen. Or you can tweet me @mariaalana, if you'd like to have the conversation take place in a completely public forum. Doesn't really seem like you have anything to hide.



  • TVGasm


    It's another TVgasm Thursday! Did you know Beyoncé is in the Illuminati?! Yeah I didn't either, but apparently there's a whole slew of celebrities that are illuminati on the down low. You can get the full run down here. Also, praise the teeny tiny baby jesus, Kristin Wiig is gonna be in another movie (with Darren Criss #swoon). If you can believe it, Two and A Half Men will be getting even weirder with the newly announced addition to the family. Since a girl will be joining the cast, and Angus T Jones is approximately 45 by now, I'm assuming the show will now be called Three Men, a Woman, and Weird Sexual Tension. 

    Jennifer Love Hewitt is now pregnant, and honestly, I don't even want to know how many names her baby will have (for the record my guess is six and then one with a hyphen). And finally Bravo premiered "Princesses: Long Island", which is apparently like a trashy Grey Gardens and you can read all about it. Let's see what TVgasm has

    This Week

    Well we all saw it coming: Bravo's newest show is called "Eat Drink Love". It's just like the movie, except it's set in LA, it's about the culinary scene, and also it's nothing like the movie. 

    While we're on the subject of (terrible) Bravo shows set in CA, I think it's time we offer the (terrible) women of The Real Housewives of Orange County some (terrible) advice. Click to read this weeks Dear Tvgasm.

    What can I say to Amanda Bynes at this point that I haven't already? Listen Amanda you're a treasure. A real American cultural gem. I'd be surprised if Nick Cage didn't try to kidnap you in the next National Treasure. Please, please never stop your hijinks. 

    Remember: If you're on Princesses Long Island and you're reading this… you….uh….wanna get drinks or something

    Tweet me (but only if you're a Long Island Princess) @Sam_the_stone


  • Daily Grace

    Comment of the Day: Daily Grace

    Daily Grace and Beth Lynch, sitting in a tree, C-O-M-M-E-N-T… ing on Comments!

    Who doesn't have a lady crush on Grace? Other than the dudes that have a crush on her… other than that though, total lady crush.

    Great comment Beth Lynch! Great comment!


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