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1/14/13

Dear Diary,

So. Hung. Over.  

Haha, OMG, last night was one of the best, craziest nights of my life!  I didn't just win one Golden Globe, I won two!  How amazing is that?

So the night started pretty much like you'd expect.  A little blow in the limo just to get the feeling right; I only do that kind of thing before big awards shows nowadays, unless of course I'm hanging out with Damon.  They don't call him "China White" for nothing.

The red carpet is always the same.  I hate it.  I know I'm an actor and I should be used to the attention but I don't, I just don't.  Too many eyes on me.  I get uncomfortable.  I sweat.  I have dark thoughts.  Thank god I have Jenny with me.  I don't think I could have bared the prying eyes any longer if not for my beautiful angel protecting me on that red carpet.  I love you, baby.

But once I'm inside the hotel, I come alive!  All my friends are there, the Mike's Hard Lemonade is flowing, and I'm feeling groovy!  Not worried about winning or losing at this point, just looking to have a good time and catch up with friends I haven't seen in a long time.  I mean, how often do I get to make fun of Anne Hathaway with Jennifer Lawrence?  Hathaway's mouth is freakin' huge, LOL!

And then the ceremony starts and Tina and Amy totally are killing it and next thing you know Jodie's speech is totally confusing me and I'm hoisting a best director statue!  So thrilling.  Like, of course I said that winning doesn't mean as much as being mentioned in the same breath as the other directors nominated but we all know that's a load of bullshit.  You play to win the game, simple as that.  Maybe DeNiro will start taking my calls now that I've finally won a globe.  

More Mike's Hard and kisses with Jenny and then Argo wins best picture.  The best.  Night.  Ever.  Standing onstage with all of those talented people looking at all of the drunk A-listers applauding me is like standing atop Mount Olympus as Zeus bathes you in the golden tear drops of Helen of Troy.  Boner city, LOL.

After that we went to the after party and I don't even think I can even write down an account of the debauchery that transpired.  Let me just say Clooney doesn't always get naked, but when he does, you KNOW it's a good night.  And then let me say John Goodman doesn't always get naked, but when he does you know we're heading to White Castle sooner than later.  I know, so Hollywood, right? ;)

Okay I need to take some Advil and get in the hot tob with my Golden Globes.  It's been so amazing.  I love the me that I am.  I love Jenny.  I love movies!!!!  Haha, ok, ok, bye for now diary.

Yours,

Ben

PS - Arkin's head isn't the only thing that's bald :-p

Daily Grace and Beth Lynch, sitting in a tree, C-O-M-M-E-N-T… ing on Comments!

Who doesn't have a lady crush on Grace? Other than the dudes that have a crush on her… other than that though, total lady crush.

Great comment Beth Lynch! Great comment!

I lost my Oscar.

I don't know where it is! I'm so embarrassed I don't know what to say.  I mean, here I am winning an Oscar for Best Picture of the year, and then the next thing I know Clooney's giving me my eighth shot of anisette and my mother's calling Jenny because Vi shit the bed again or something and bingo-bango my Oscar is missing and the Los Angeles police doesn't seem to give a damn.  

When I realized it was gone last night I cried a little bit, though I don't really remember it.  I do remember that f***ing little princess Anne Hathaway yelling in my face about how she was picked most likely to succeed in high school and how it is totally coming true, and also how Devito was cracking me up talking about his penis but I can't - remember - where - my - Oscar - is.  This sucks.  I earned that Oscar!  It's mine!

Oh well, maybe the Academy will get me another one.  I still have the one I won for writing with Matt, but this one is cooler - I mean, would you rather win an Oscar with Matt Damon or George Clooney?   Kind of a no brainer, though Matt's cool, don't get me wrong, but he only has a single Oscar and I have two - well, I've won two but like I said, I lost the one last night.  

That doesn't change the fact that I didn't win it, though!  And that's enough.  Jenny says that's enough.  And I think it is, I just wouldn't mind having the Oscar, the actual thing, but whatever.  I had a fun night.  Maybe it'll turn up.  Regardless, I am truly blessed.  I have to call and thank everyone for making last night so special and maybe throw a brick through Anne Hathaway's window because she sucks.

Bye bye, diary!

Sincerely, with love,

Two-time Academy Award Winner,

Benjamin Affleck

Dear Jon Hamm,

Your penis has been getting a lot of attention lately. There were some pictures of you and your lovely girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt, and everyone couldn't help but notice what a lovely, um, package you, uh, had-- and not the shopping bag you were holding.

Many of my internet compatriots have taken to analyzing the pictures to determine whether or not these pictures are real or, you know, Photoshop.

We propose that you let our resident merry mad man of McMayhem ask you a question he recently posed to a lot of people in Los Angeles: "How's Your Dick?" Seems appropriate. You should watch the video and let us know. There's even an accidental guest appearance by pro skateboarder Ishod Wair! Yes! It was entirely unintentional! Just as unintentional, we suppose, as you inspiring an entire single serving Tumblr with your wang.

So, think about it. That's all. Let me know. I live at My Damn Channel. I can make these things happen. Or you can tweet me @mariaalana, if you'd like to have the conversation take place in a completely public forum. Doesn't really seem like you have anything to hide.

Sincerely,
Maria

It's TVgasm Tuesday! Did you watch the Oscars on Sunday night? No? That's fine because I did and here's everything you need to know: First and foremost you should know that almost everyone was offended by Seth MacFarlane, even though he charmed the pants off me (granted I wasn't wearing pants to begin with, but here we are). Anne Hathaway's nipples were probably the best-dressed stars on the red carpet, and their appearance reignited everyone's hatred of Anne Hathaway. Specifically our editor's. Kristin Chenoweth is a tiny elf. The internet is shitting its pants about Jennifer Lawrence. All pretty standard.

Here's some other non-Oscars stuff you should know: We have some more information about the new season of Arrested Devlopment, Maya Rudolph could possibly be hosting a new variety show (why has a big deal not been made about this?!), and Aubrey Plaza talks about food! Let's see what TVgasm has for us...

This Week:

I can't be the only one who can't keep all the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills straight, right? Which one is the blonde one with giant boobs again? Don't fear, TVgasm has the definitive RHOBH study guide!

Click to find out which Jersey Shore star (well, "star" is a bit of a stretch) sold her car on eBay! Here's a hint: she's orange and yells a lot and will probably get leopard print tattooed onto her skin at some point in the future.

I've always said that Michelle Obama can do no wrong, and I was finally proven absolutely right when she released this video with Jimmy Fallon! Click to watch FLOTUS outshine every other world leader's wife on national TV.

Remember: If you ever run into Anne Hathaway's nipples, they're more afraid of you than you are of them.

Tweet me your TV hopes and dreams: Sam_The_Stone

In honor of today's Golden Globe nominations and yesterday's release of the AskMen.com's list of the top 99 Most Desirable Women in the World, I'm going to make a top ten list of my most desirable Golden Globe nominees.  The only criteria is that I, DannyMoney, desire them in some way, shape, or form-- and not necessarily in a sexual way (but it CAN be!).

10) The Tiger from Life of Pi - Because I want a tiger.  Who DOESN'T want a tiger?  I desire a damned tiger immediately.

9) Joaquin Phoenix in The Master - I wouldn't mind crawling into Joaquin's character's head in The Master for a couple of hours.  The guy is so unbalanced I think it'd be like tripping on acid or PCP.  It seems so gnarly; I bet it would be one helluva ride - like riding the snake to Valhalla!  Plus, he has sex with a "sand castle woman," and that's on my bucket list already, so I could just kill two birds with one stone.

8) The 13th Amendment in Lincoln - Love this damned amendment.  It outlawed slavery!  What could possibly be more desirable than freedom?  To posses the 13th Amendment is to possess freedom itself!  Think about it!  Think of the caché!  I'd be rolling down the street with the 13th Amendment in my jeans.  "Oh, damn, Dan's looking really good today!" "Yeah man, he has FREEDOM in his pocket."  Game changer.

7) Girls - This is the life I need!  I just wanna go to warehouse parties in Brooklyn, have casual sex with beautiful people, go to impromptu weddings, get money from my parents, perform full-frontal nudity whenevs, enjoy a virtually instantaneous subway ride from Manhattan to Brooklyn, and drink and drug my way through life while simultaneously questioning my existence even though I'm only 25 years old.  Party!

6) Osama Bin Laden's head, Zero Dark Thirty - I haven't seen this movie, but I'm assuming the ending is Jessica Chastain holding up Osama Bin Laden's head.  Then again, I guess we got this in real life (America!) so I can cross this one off.

5) The world of Moonrise Kingdom - Saying I want to live in this world is basically saying I want to live inside Wes Anderson's mind.  What a cool imagination he has!  I wish the real world was more like a Wes Anderson movie: cool tunes always playing, Bill Murray hanging out everywhere you go, riding trains through India. That'd be so boss.  I bet Mark Malkoff wishes he lived in Wes Anderson's world - he and Bill Murray would have lunch every day.

4) Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook - Yes, I desire her.  Now, AskMen.com had her ranked as number one on their list, and  I can't agree with that as long as Bar Rafaeli is alive. Still, Lawrence's character in Silver Linings Playbook was pretty awesome.  She has so much spunk!  She dances her butt off!  But  I wanted to care for her character, too.  She'd had it rough.  I really wanted to be there for her so I guess what I really desire is….

3) To be Bradley Cooper's character in Silver Linings Playbook - Sure, the character is crazy, but who cares?!  He gets Jennifer Lawrence in that flick - and his dad is Robert DeNiro, AND he's friends with Chris Tucker.  Granted, he's a Philadelphia Eagles fan and that sucks (since I'm a New York Giants fan and, you know, a human with a soul), but I guess if I were Bradley Cooper's Silver Linings character, I wouldn't even know that the Eagles suck.  Basically, to quote Ace Ventura: "If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use YOUR body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!"

2) "On My Own" from Les Misérables - Hands down, this is one of the most moving songs of all-time.  I love it.  I listen to it daily.  The emotion is just so… coupled with the melody… the sentiment… the imagery… Oh, I can't take it!  Just cue it up!

1) Ben Affleck's beard in Argo - This is a perfect beard.  It's so subtle you don't even realize at first how balanced it is, how nuanced.  You see, Affleck knows the mustache is the commander of the beard.  He allows the mustache to command his beard, yet, like any good leader, the mustache knows it's only as good as the sum of its parts.  Therefore, the mustache sits back just a bit to let the rest of the beard get more attention.  Thus achieving balance and attaining perfection.  Watch out Whisker Wars: Affleck is in town.

Follow me: @DannyMoney

1/10/13

Dear Diary,

Jennifer tells me not to worry but I am mad.  The Oscar nominations came out today and I didn't get nominated for Best Director!  Snubbed.  I mean, Argo was nominated for Best Picture and I'm proud of that - but I wanted to be nominated for Best Director!  It just kind of hurts that the Academy didn't think my work was worthy of a nomination - and also, I dunno what they're playing at, but that guy Michael Haneke was nominated and he isn't even an American - and neither is Ang Lee!  What's up with that?  I'm American, born and raised.  I'm from BOSTON, damnit!  I think the Academy should show some respect - Jenny agrees with me on this, too.  She's the best :) Hi, baby! I know you're reading this!

Damon came over with some Mike's Hard.  We sat in the den and talked about the Oscars and then Matt popped in Good Will Hunting again…Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, I guess.  I mean, we both wrote the script, but I wasn't "Will"; I wasn't the star, I didn't get nominated for Best Actor, Matt did.  It's OK though, he means well.  Jenny reminded me that Matt's new movie Promised Land got bad reviews and that made me feel a little better.  I know he's my friend, but sometimes I can't help but smile when a movie of his tanks a little, LOL. 

After that I kinda just hung out around the house for a while.  I'm trying to learn how to play "Hold On Loosely" on the guitar but I just can't get it.  The chords hurt my fingers and I got frustrated so I just stopped and went to the computer and played Bejeweled while a "Cheers" re-run played on a tv in the background.  Eventually Jenny came in and gave me a hug and that made me feel better, so I got up and the two of us went to an ice cream parlor to get sundaes.  Unfortunately a dude with a camera was there trying to get pictures of us so I had to pull a knife on him (don't worry, I didn't have to stab him).

Somehow, Jenny and I were able to sneak out the back and we drove up to our favorite lookout spot in Malibu. As the sun set, I held my likable and charming yet still-able-to-kick-some-a** actress wife and couldn't help but wish I were holding a best director academy award statue instead. Sorry, baby. I know you're reading this :(

After about 40 minutes we were ready to head home and now here I am writing this entry.  All and all it was an OK day.  I didn't get nominated for Best Director but there's always next time.  And who knows, maybe we'll win Best Picture!  I have to count my blessings. 

Your friend,

Ben