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  • The Night Feed

    Ben Affleck's Diary - Golden Globes Edition

    1/14/13


    Dear Diary,


    So. Hung. Over.  


    Haha, OMG, last night was one of the best, craziest nights of my life!  I didn't just win one Golden Globe, I won two!  How amazing is that?


    So the night started pretty much like you'd expect.  A little blow in the limo just to get the feeling right; I only do that kind of thing before big awards shows nowadays, unless of course I'm hanging out with Damon.  They don't call him "China White" for nothing.


    The red carpet is always the same.  I hate it.  I know I'm an actor and I should be used to the attention but I don't, I just don't.  Too many eyes on me.  I get uncomfortable.  I sweat.  I have dark thoughts.  Thank god I have Jenny with me.  I don't think I could have bared the prying eyes any longer if not for my beautiful angel protecting me on that red carpet.  I love you, baby.


    But once I'm inside the hotel, I come alive!  All my friends are there, the Mike's Hard Lemonade is flowing, and I'm feeling groovy!  Not worried about winning or losing at this point, just looking to have a good time and catch up with friends I haven't seen in a long time.  I mean, how often do I get to make fun of Anne Hathaway with Jennifer Lawrence?  Hathaway's mouth is freakin' huge, LOL!


    And then the ceremony starts and Tina and Amy totally are killing it and next thing you know Jodie's speech is totally confusing me and I'm hoisting a best director statue!  So thrilling.  Like, of course I said that winning doesn't mean as much as being mentioned in the same breath as the other directors nominated but we all know that's a load of bullshit.  You play to win the game, simple as that.  Maybe DeNiro will start taking my calls now that I've finally won a globe.  


    More Mike's Hard and kisses with Jenny and then Argo wins best picture.  The best.  Night.  Ever.  Standing onstage with all of those talented people looking at all of the drunk A-listers applauding me is like standing atop Mount Olympus as Zeus bathes you in the golden tear drops of Helen of Troy.  Boner city, LOL.


    After that we went to the after party and I don't even think I can even write down an account of the debauchery that transpired.  Let me just say Clooney doesn't always get naked, but when he does, you KNOW it's a good night.  And then let me say John Goodman doesn't always get naked, but when he does you know we're heading to White Castle sooner than later.  I know, so Hollywood, right? ;)


    Okay I need to take some Advil and get in the hot tob with my Golden Globes.  It's been so amazing.  I love the me that I am.  I love Jenny.  I love movies!!!!  Haha, ok, ok, bye for now diary.


    Yours,

    Ben


    PS - Arkin's head isn't the only thing that's bald :-p

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  • The Night Feed

    Predicting the Breaking Bad Finale

    Guys. In less than three days, Breaking Bad will be over forever and I will be a pile of goo unable to form words or complete thoughts. I'm seriously not ready for Monday through Saturday to go back to being actual days and not just filler between episodes. I mean, what am I supposed to care about now? Sleepy Hollow? We Are Men

    However, it's not over until it's over. With one last episode to go, the fates of almost every important character (RIP Hank) are still up in the air. Being that I predicted nearly every plot twist in "Ozymandias" perfectly - seriously, ask Chris - I figured I'd try my hand at a little finale divination. (Spoiler warnings all up in this thing, by the way. Don't read it if you're not current!)

    Walt: He dies, obviously. I don't know if this means anything, but I definitely had a dream last night in which Walt died when the airplane he was in crashed into a mountain. Seems unlikely, but don't count it out. Because otherwise, the possibilities are limitless.

    Skyler: Dies or lives? Seems like everyone I've talked to is pretty much split 50-50. Either she lives, goes to trial, and loses the kids to Marie, or she'll die in some unforeseen way - a Lady Macbeth death. I can't see her comitting suicide unless the kids die first. But if they do? She's already losing it, that might just be the final straw. 

    Jesse: Honestly, as invested as I've been in Jesse surviving the series over the past five and a half seasons, at this point it seems like he'd genuinely be better off dead. His life since the pilot episode has just been one long conga line of trauma, and after witnessing Andrea's death in the last episode, he's most likely going to go completely insane and find some way to get the Nazis to kill him. 

    Todd: Todd has to die. There's no way he can live. The only way this series can justfiably end is with Todd in a barrel, and preferably alive when he went in there. Though honestly, how much of a final knife in the gut would it be to have Todd and Lydia skip happily ever after into the sunset, off to make meth and be sociopaths together forever? That is, unless...

    Lydia: Gets the ricin. It's totally going into her Stevia packets - why else would Gilligan and Co. make such a big deal over her tea preferences? Chekhov's ricin, Chekhov's Stevia. Too bad, though. I'll kinda miss her crazy eyes.

    Uncle Jack: Dead, by Walt's hand. This is the only outcome we can be relatively sure of. Whether it's a shoot-out, an explosion, or some insane, unpredictable plot twist, he's gotta go. 

    Saul: Now that we know that Better Call Saul will be a prequel rather than a continuation of the series, all bets are off on his fate. But my money's on Saul becoming the best Cinnabon manager Omaha has ever known.

    Brock: I swear to God, if they kill Brock I will BURN ALBUQUERQUE TO THE GROUND. Let's just all agree that Brock goes to live with his grandma and gets really good therapy and grows up to become a lawyer who prosecutes drug dealers, okay? Okay?

    Walt Jr.: No such compassion for Junior. Or Flynn. Or whatever we're calling him now. I'm hoping he goes out in a blaze of breakfast. 

    Holly: My personal prediction is that Holly will be the sole survivor of the White family. If Marie makes it, she might end up in her custody. If not, the poor kid will probably grow up in a foster home with a couple of traumatic repressed memories. 

    Huell: Starves to death in his safe room while waiting for Hank and Gomie to come back for him. Alas, poor Huell.

    So what are your thoughts and predictions? Any disagreements? Tweet me @lizbelsky and we'll hash 'em out.

    Guys. In less than three days, Breaking Bad will be over forever and I will be a pile of goo unable to form words or complete thoughts. I'm seriously not ready for Monday through Saturday to go back to being actual days and not just filler between episodes. I mean, what am I supposed to care about now? Sleepy Hollow? We Are Men? 

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  • The Night Feed

    Adele Dazeem


    Quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen.  The way Travolta says “wickedly” really makes the butchering of Idina Menzel’s name that much sweeter.  He sells the shit out of this person and then BOOM no idea how to say her name.  This must have been a teleprompter problem, right?  Travolta doesn’t just mess up like this.  

    Regardless, we will be talking about this for years to come.  Or at least I will.  I will be talking about this forever.  All Hail John Travolta.

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  • The Night Feed

    Blues Brothers with Legos

    Aaaaaaaaaaannndddddd the internet wins again.  I mean, what more can you say?  The Blues Brothers shopping mall chase scene recreated with legos?


    "Dear God,


    Hey God, it's me Dan.  How's it going?  Good, I hope.  I just wanted to write and thank you for delivering the Blues Brothers lego video to the internet.  You've done it again!  Another masterpiece.  Some people think you're not tech savvy, and to that I say, "Oh yeah?  Then why do they call heaven the big genius bar in the sky?"  Haha, you get it.


    Anyways, nothing much else to report.  Hope you're well.  I love you.


    -- @DannyMoney"


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  • The Night Feed

    These Are The Worst Halloween Costumes of 2013

    I get it, guys. You want your Halloween costume to be fun, topical, and timely. But the thing is, so does everyone else, and there are only so many memes to be exploited this time of year. But we all just need to think twice about the costumes we're putting together this year - after all, today's hilarious costume idea is tomorrow's cringeworthy Facebook photo that just won't go away. 

    1. Miley Cyrus

    Do I even have to say it? Don't dress up as Miley. Not even Miley wants to dress up as Miley anymore. There will inevitably be between three and five different Mileys at every party you attend, and all of them will regret their costume choices by next year. Remember when you were Snooki in 2010? Yeah, exactly like that. (If you're considering doing a Miley and Robin Thicke couples costume, do not pass go, do not collect $200, maybe go drown yourself in a well.)

    2. Heisenberg

    The lazy dude's Halloween costume. Yeah, we get it, it's easy - facial hair, glasses, black hat, blue shirt and you're done. It's not that I'm anti-Breaking Bad costumes, by the way. I am totally in favor of dressing up as Jesse, Saul, or even Todd, but if you're gonna go as Walt, I will not accept anything lower-effort than the classic no-pants look (or a yellow hazmat suit, if that's more your style). Come on, guys, try a little.

    3. Daenerys Targaryen

    Yeah, this means you, cool artsy/nerdy chick who wants to be "sexy, but not like, slutty?" Hope ya like hearing drunk strangers screaming "KHALEESI!" at you all night. Just be Katniss Everdeen or Black Widow like the rest of us.

    4. Sexy Cronut

    If you even think this is a somewhat good idea, I hate you.

    5. John Boehner

    Wait, wait, don't tell me - you're going to walk into every party, have the DJ stop the music (or turn off the iPod), and announce that you're "shutting it down"? You're going to refuse to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters because "socialism"? You're going to spray tan and pretend to cry a lot? Wow, you're just a regular Jon Stewart. So much insightful political commentary. (Note: it is totally okay to dress up as Taran Killam as John Boehner. We've come full circle and two wrongs make a right.)

    Liz / @lizbelsky

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  • The Night Feed

    Fading Gigolo

    It must be noted, right here, right now: this trailer for Fading Gigolo is awesome, because Woody Allen is acting in a movie that he didn't write and direct.  That doesn't happen too often, if ever, really.  I'm not even sure if I think this movie is going to be that good, but the fact that Woody is acting alongside John Turturro - as Turturro's pimp! - is worth the price of admission alone.  Here's to you, Woody.

    Also, check out this mash up on
    Slacktory of Woody Allen and the Terminator.

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  • The Night Feed

    Die Hard

    Well, I have no idea why I am at work today.  I am not sure why anyone is at work today.  I have no idea why July 15th isn't a national holiday, because, on this day in 1988, Die Hard was released.


    Need I say more?  Die Hard is an absolute classic, an American masterpiece right up there with Casablanca and The Godfather.  The fact that the American people are expected to work on such a day - a day when indelible lines like, "Hans, bubby, I'm your white knight" and "Welcome to the party, pal!" were first heard by moviegoers - is a crime paramount to high treason and I will be writing a letter to my congressmen, you can be sure of that, and I suggest that you do the same.


    Die Hard.  I've seen the movie a lot.  It's the kind of flick that when it comes on the TV, you watch it.  You watch it for the masterful performances by Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman, whose portrayal of Hans Gruber might be the best acting job in the history of cinema.  You watch it for Reginald "Carl Winslow" VelJohnson play yet another cop.  But most of all you watch it because you are an American, gosh darn it, and nothing says proud American like Die Hard.  God bless the USA, indeed.  


    Follow me on Twitter: @DannyMoney

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  • The Night Feed

    John Swartzwelder's Pilot

    If you're a big Simpsons fan then you know the name John Swartzwelder, the man who has written more episodes of the show than anybody else: 3 episodes - JK, he's written 59 episodes.  You also might know that Swartzwelder is a strange, reclusive dude.  What you might not know is that he created a show called Pistol Pete, and only a pilot was made.  This article from Antenna Free TV goes in depth on the pilot and Swartzwelder (or as in depth as you can get with someone that no one seems to know anything about), and I felt it was my duty to to share it with all of you comedy nerds out there in case you haven't read it yet.  Enjoy!

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