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1. The Olympics are over. The USA had more medals than any other country. The closing ceremony felt like one really long Annie Lennox video, which was actually pretty fun, until we learned that Great Britain considers Jessie J a national treasure, which, frankly, is really disappointing.

2. The Jeremy Renner era of the Bourne franchise was compelling enough to knock The Dark Knight Rises from the top spot in the weekend box office.

3. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got engaged! Finally, America's favorite spinster can be really really really really really happy. On another note, we assume that since their romance heated up on the set of Wanderlust, David Wain must be really good at helping people find true love. We smell a matchmaking reality series!

4. Miley Cyrus cut off all her hair! Well, not all of it, just most of it. And it's platinum blonde! I can't be the only one who hopes this is all part of her master plan to get a Legend of Billie Jean remake greenlit.

5. Shark Week 2012 started on Sunday! And Shark Week is 25 years old! You'd think that by now people would be tired of Shark Week, but, no. People love sharks. Except for people who have galeophobia- a word we learned in an episode of Daily Grace. The more you know!

Welcome to another TVgasm Tuesday, let's just go ahead and get right down to business, we have a lot to cover today. Did you know Taylor Swift released a new album? If you live within a 4 mile radius of human civilization, the answer is most likely yes. But did you know most of Taylor Swift's album is about guys breaking up with Taylor Swift?….well yeah I guess you probably did. In other news, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are getting married, and will, I assume, eventually have perfect little angel-babies that will each be born with a full set of abs and more charisma than I will ever be able to muster. Unfortunately their given couple name is "TimberBiel" which kind of sounds like the name for five different Ikea nightstands. Don't focus on that, focus on the perfect angel-babies, and let's check out TVgasm:

This week:

If any of you undecided voters needed help during this trying election, Honey Boo Boo is officially an Obama supporter. Of course, directly after she gave her endorsement she bounced on a couch for several minutes, and then dunked her entire hand into a glass of water, so…make of that what you will. Watch the entire clip over at TVgasm!

Is Community on again yet? No? C'mon NBC get your shit together. How about we cut hour seven of the Today show, you know the one that's just Al Roker making puns straight to the camera, and air some community then? In the mean time, I'll have to tide myself over with this video over at TVgasm, go watch!

Have you been keeping up with Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition? If you haven't been watching, it's a spin-off of Dance Moms, and TVgasm has the recap to catch you up. Go read it, so we can talk about it, because no one I know watches it, and I am dying slowly.

Remember: Life is not reality TV. As every angry girl on reality TV will tell you "THIS IS NOT A BEST FRIEND MAKING CONTEST", and real life is basically the opposite. 

Welcome to another TVgasm Tuesday! Because I've made it my duty to inform the general public of pertinent and important information, I think I should tell you right away about the social event of the year, nay….the decade. It's a Honey Boo Boo wedding, y'all. If my sources are correct the theme will be "The Victorian Era" and it will take place at Buckinham Palace where Queen Elizabeth will be the ring bearer/flower girl. Do you want to feel bad about yourself!? Of course you do! Go read about how much more money The Real Housewives make than you.  I mean sure, I haven't bought groceries in a few weeks, but it makes sense that these women get paid millions of dollars for drinking white wine and fake laughing all day. 

Ok this one actually cheered me up a little bit after my post Real Housewives-rage: Justin Bieber reportedly got attacked/humped/hugged while on stage at a concert in Dubai. Ah to be a young desperate horny Justin Bieber fan in Dubai! Oh…just kidding that actually sounds like the worst. And last, but most certainly not least, it's now being reported that Steve Carrel will for sure be returning for the series finale of the Office! What are these feelings I'm feeling? Happy, horribly depressed, lonely, ecstatic? Let's see what TVgasm has

This Week:

Joe Francis could face up to five years in jail for assaulting some women after taking them to his home. Who would have thought the creator of "Girl Gone Wild" wouldn't have respect for women?!

Do you guys remember Fantasia Barrino? She won American Idol at some point, and then she probably did some other stuff (like the Wendy Williams Show, and The Color Purple). Let's find out together what her deal is!

Please tell me you've been following the Lindsey Lohan going to rehab drama. First she was going, and then she wasn't going, and now she's there….but for how long? My guess is she'll somehow take over the rehab facility in some kind of Lord of the Flies type drama. 

Remember: If you're ever in need of money, put on some press-on nails, dye your skin fluorescent orange, and wait for Bravo to arrive to start taping you

Tweet me your Honey Boo Boo wedding vows @Sam_The_Stone

It's TVgasm Tuesday once again and it seems like 2013 is quickly becoming the year of the heartbreaking series finale -- The Office shot its final episode a few days ago, and, predictably, I did not leave my bed that day. Thankfully, the internet came to my rescue and provided me with hours of The Office nostalgia like this beautiful photo.

Also, a sign-in list from the first day of auditions was posted AND if you aren't already crying, Steve Carell was on the Nerdist podcast (he doesn't really talk about The Office that much, but it's just comforting to hear his voice).

Other things that are a big deal: Beyoncé released a new single, appropriately named "Bow Down", which is exactly what I did the first time I heard it. Emma Watson could possibly be doing a movie version of 50 Shades of Gray, which is….porn….right? It has to be just porn, like what else is that book about besides sex? It's fine, I'm just saying let's call it what it is, so horny mothers of five know exactly what they're getting when they go see it. On that note, let's see what TVgasm has...

This Week:

As usual Oprah has hopped on a bandwagon, like, five weeks too late. She's released a Harlem Shake video, go check TVgasm out for all the details. Maybe she'll discover Nyan Cat in a couple years. Oprah iz a n00b, L0L.

Lindsay Lohan is in the news again, this time not for killing a couple clown hookers, but because she feels feels bullied by Justin Bieber. Well, I have some news for you Ms. Lohan, we've all felt personally victimized by Justin Bieber at one time or another. It's time to wipe up your mascara, build a bridge out of all your money, and get over it.

Did you know Lil Wayne was in the hospital? I did not, but apparently it was pretty serious, but he's fine now and all's well that ends well. Check out TVgasm for the full story!

Remember: The ending of TV series is a perfectly valid excuse to sit in bed all day and eat 3500 calories….so I hear….from my friends….who did that.

Tweet me quotes from the office and I will respond with a quote from the same episode FROM MEMORY. @Sam_the_stone