This is a masterpiece, plain and simple. One of the most comprehensive and altogether charming pieces of internet I've seen in the last two hours. Perfectly crafted and perfectly timed for the holiday season. Kudos, jamescovenant! I am so glad you have the time on your hands to do this!
And as for Patrick Stewart…I met him once, you know. It was the fall of 2007 and I had just seen him as Macbeth in a performance of the Scottish play, in London, and, as you would expect, Mr. Stewart was tremendous. Utterly, utterly devastating as the titular character. Anyways, after the show, we were walking around outside the theater, and there he appeared, hat on his head, scarf around his neck.
"Great job, Mr. Stewart!" my buddy called out to him.
"Thank you!" he said, drawing out the "you" like a King.
Then he got in a car and he was gone.
And while we are on the subject of Patrick Stewart, let me also relate to you that I have indeed seen Ian McKellen's penis live and in person. Yes, that same fall while in London I went to see Sir Ian in "King Lear" as King Lear, and he dropped trou on stage, exposing himself to the entire audience for a good fifteen seconds. The verdict? Well done, Sir Ian. Well done, Gandalf.