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It's TVgasm Tuesday once again! I'm sorry to say it, but I think the end of TV is fast approaching. This is even more real than the 2008 Writers' Strike. Let me explain the seven signs of the TV apocalypse. 1. Glee has made it to five seasons (and is greenlit for a sixth). Who is still watching this besides four thirteen-year-old girls in a basement, Ryan Murphy and his harem of twinks? 2. "The Bible" is now being prepared for theatrical release. We have officially run out of movie ideas, and we've now turned to the Bible. Personally, I'm more excited for the sequel "The Bible 2: Jesus Returns" featuring Ke$ha as Jesus' love interest, and then the tagline will be "Jesus is back for vengeance…..with a vengeance" and then….you know what? Somebody get me Universal Studios on the phone.

Sign number 3: Justin Bieber is giving up his beloved pet monkey. Who'd have thought this totally practical and responsible pet and this young pragmatic boy wouldn't stay together forever? Sign number 4: Ben Affleck is living on $1.50 a day, "but why?! He's rich as shit?!" I know, it's an enigma. Although I would like to point out that I don't think it really qualifies as living on a buck fifty per day if you're staying in your multimillion dollar mansion, just this honest good-looking observers opinion. Let's see what TVgasm has for us

This Week:

Sign 5: Sweet, innocent, perfect, delightful Reese Witherspoon got in trouble with the coppers! Lindsey Lohan I can take, Amanda Bynes, ok whatever I wasn't crazy about her to begin with, but you can't take Reese Witherspoon from me.

Sign 6: It's finally happened, Ryan Lochte has started promoting his show "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?", revealing to the public his lack of mental prowess, and that "what he would do" is use the phrase "I'm a man at night and a man in the morning" five times in three minutes.

Sign 7: Remember when Bravo had decent shows like Top Chef? Well, I think they've officially come to what has to be rock bottom with "Princesses Long Island". Just the title alone is enough to make me not want to watch it/take a six hour shower.

Remember: Start preparing for the imminent TV apocalypse with your loved ones and your Netflix, and at all costs stay away from *GASP* books.

Tweet me shit Ryan Lochte says @Sam_the _Stone

This post is coming a little later than usual because we had a big premiere this morning. And then I became distracted and had to drink some Cirroc because of all the submliminal overt messaging.

1. Isaac! It delayed the start of the Republican National Convention! Hey, does anyone remember when Michele Bachmann said hurricanes were a punishment from God? Actually, does anyone even remember Michele Bachmann?

2. The Expendables 2 took the top spot at the box office again this weekend. Who knew that senior citizens had so much endurance? (Yes, I will write a senior citizens joke every week that this movie wins the weekend.)

3. Ryan Lochte's sister is racist! Or maybe she isn't. Whatever. I think we can all agree that all Lochtes should just remain silent at all times.

4. Sunday was "Go Topless" Day. I guarantee you that none of your favorite celebrities took part. The picture above is from Gothamist and is of all the creepy guys who totally missed the point.

5.  "Call Me Maybe" has now invaded the U.S. Open. Resistance is futile. Carly Rae Jepsen is officially our Borg queen.

1. We're on Mars! The Curiosity touched down safely on the surface of Mars, and has even sent back some pictures of the surface. Naturally the internet has responded to this important scientific news by making a meme, and following the Curiosity Rover on twitter.

2. Michael Phelps is now the most decorated Olympic athlete to ever have existed ever in the world ever. With approximately seven thousand gold medals, we can safely say that no one will ever swim faster than Michael Phelps. Unfortunately, he didn't get a medal in Dreaminess, because Ryan Lochte got gold, silver, and bronze. 

3. This weekend Roseanne Barr's Comedy Central roast happened. I'm sure people said mean things to her, and then also her ex-husband arrived so that was probably awk, but more importantly SHE GOT OFFICIALLY NOMINATED AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE. 

4. Natalie Portman got married to Benjamin Millepied, who she met on the set of Black Swan where he was the choreographer. Since Millepied is a French citizen, Portman is now officially a citizen of France as well, and if the french try to take her away from me I don't know what I'll do. 

5. During an interview Mitt Romney said something to the effect of "I'm not sure London is ready to host the Olympics", which clinched him the gold in "Things Not to Say on Camera".

Image via JPL

It's TVgasm Tuesday and as a source of valuable news and information I think I should get right to this: Al Roker pooped his pants. Well, he "sharted" if we're being completely real, but you can watch the interview for yourself. Oh, and have you listened to the soundtrack from the HBO show, Girls? Check it out here! It's so great! (Please don't kill me, Lena Dunham-- I'll do whatever you want). The Carey-Minaj feud is a thing again and I can say firmly that if either of those women even threatened me I would melt into a puddle of fear/tears/apologies. And that leads us to the theme of this week's TVgasm Tuesday: Women of Whom I Am Irrationally Terrified! Let's see what scary women TVgasm has for us, shall we?

This Week:

NeNe Leakes has done it again. Somehow, she made me care-- just a little bit!-- about something she's doing. Click to find out what she's done this week. PS: NeNe, if you're reading this, please don't hunt me down like an animal, I'm just trying to live my life as a mild mannered, mildly rude, entertainment news blogger.

Kim Kardashian is preggers, and if that woman didn't terrify me before, adding hormones and pregnancy cravings to her has definitely done it. Read this weeks Dear TVgasm and try to avoid the wrath of Kim K and her unborn child at all costs!

I'm just kind of assuming that everyone who runs E! is a lady, which is maybe probably sexist, but who else would give Ryan Lochte his own show?! Who am I kidding, I will probably watch this show while eating ice cream. I don't care. I'm not scared. Go read the full story at TVgasm!

Remember: If you accidentally poop your pants, hands down, the best thing you can do about it is tell everyone on national television.

I don't know if you guys heard the news, but Snooki "gave birth" to her son! I say "gave birth" in quotes because I'm pretty sure Snooki is actually an orange alien, so maybe she really gave birth, or maybe she just like cut off a finger or something, and this baby is actually going to grow up to be another Snooki (which is just what the world needs). Anyway, my Jersey Shore conspiracy theories aside, this week's TVgasm Tuesday is all about babies. Most reality stars are pretty much babies anyways, so let's see what we have.

This Week:

One person I hope never has a baby-- or even holds a baby-- is Ryan Lochte, who is demanding dump trucks of money to be the next Bachelor. As an added bonus, Lochte has the IQ of a baby and makes up nonsense words like "jeah." Essentially, he's a baby who can swim really fast.

Britney Spears is tired of being treated like a baby and appealed to end her conservatorship. TVgasm has the scoop on the whole ordeal, which I imagine ended in Britney needing a diaper change.

It's been announced that NBC's The Office is ending this season, which means that I will be crying like a baby. Read TVgasm's article to get the official statement, and the details about the new season, and try to pretend that this isn't the saddest thing that's happened in the past six months 

Remember: If you stay a baby for long enough you'll probably get some kind of TV show, so wear those diapers proudly! (I know I am!)