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In today's fast-paced world we don't have time to watch an entire movie trailer! Don't worry: I watched the Beautiful Creatures trailer and compressed all my thoughts into 17 syllables for you. Catch Beautiful Creatures in movie theaters February 13th. Or don't. I'm not your mom; do whatever you want.

This girl's dramatic

Oh shit can she do magic?

The south is scary

Tweet me your unpopular political opinions @Sam_the_stone

There's been some commotion on the internet with the release of Spring Breakers, a new movie starring James Franco, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and several other pretty teenage girls I've never heard of. I'm not going to tell you to see this movie or not, but I'll give you a few highlights from the trailer and let you make an informed decision:

James Franco. Moustache.
Girls in bikinis shooting
Spring break forever

Oh what the hell I'll give you a bonus haiku:

Disney Channel stars,
How can you do this to me?!
Right in the childhood.

Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens, feel free to tweet me your answers at @Sam_The_Stone

We know you're wondering what movie to see this weekend. The Lucky One, Magic Mike, Think Like a Man, Chimpanzee, The Bob Marley Documentary... so many options.

How to choose?

Modern Primate hasn't seen any of these movies, but they've watched all the trailers! Therefore, they're totally and absolutely qualified to pass judgment on each of these films.

Judging Movies Based Solely On Their Trailers.

Oh, don't get all huffy, you do it, too.

"Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters" comes out today, and to get you guys excited about it, I watched the trailer, and "wrote" a review of it. I don't know if it actually qualifies as writing a review if it's a total of seventeen syllables, but here we are.

There's so many guns!

Isn't this a kids' story?!

Please don't make me go.

Tweet me your hopes and dreams @Sam_the_Stone

Mark's newest challenge is to see how many movies he can watch on Netflix streaming in a single month.

His goal is 250 movies. That's 15.5 hours per day. That's including ALL THE END CREDITS.

Think he can do it? Well, do you think a man who can get Six-Pack Abs in 30 Days can do it? Or do you think a man who brought a goat into an Apple Store can do it? Do you think a man who raced a New York City bus on a Big Wheel and WON can do it?

Follow Mark on Twitter and Facebook and tell him what movie he should watch next!

Pre-teen boys nationwide celebrated when they heard that the fifth Scary Movie was coming today. You'd think America would be tired of this 13 years old dead horse being beaten, but here we are. Without further ado, I present a full length review of the Scary Movie 5 trailer (so you don't have to watch it, because lesbihonest here, you should spend your time doing almost anything else)

Woah. Lindsey Lohan

And Charlie Sheen together?

Cocaine explosion.

And if you have some kind of haiku fetish, here's a bonus

Scary Movie 5?

More like bury me alive?

Am I right, ladies?

Tweet me mean things, and if you make me cry I'll make a haiku about you @Sam_the_Stone