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Thank God it's Tuesday, right, guys?! Is "TGIT" a thing? Whatever. I'm making it a thing right now; tell everyone you know. Sure, we're only two days into the week and the weekend is over 72 hours away... but the high point of your week is here: It's TVgasm Tuesday! Exclamation points!

This Week:

Do you love David Hasselhoff? Probably not because he's kind of the worst, but it's pretty funny to watch him attempt a German accent in the new online Lean Pockets ad campaign. Watch him subtly imply that the other actress has nothing going for her but her looks! So chivalrous!

Do you love Oprah? If you don't, you should because a) she's perf and b) she's the only person who actually has enough lady-balls to ask the Kardashian clan why they're famous. Go watch Oprah try to get the Kardashians to admit that they are, in fact, made mostly of plastic at this point.

Do you like toddlers? Do you like tiaras? Do you like when people ask you several questions in a row? TVgasm can help you determine if you're cut out for the world of pageants. Specifically, are you cut out for pageants starring children and their insane parents in this week's "Dear TVgasm?"

Remember: If you keep watching famous people on TV, you'll probably become one. (I'm assuming THAT'S what the Kardashians did to get famous.)

It's TVgasm Tuesday once again and it seems like 2013 is quickly becoming the year of the heartbreaking series finale -- The Office shot its final episode a few days ago, and, predictably, I did not leave my bed that day. Thankfully, the internet came to my rescue and provided me with hours of The Office nostalgia like this beautiful photo.

Also, a sign-in list from the first day of auditions was posted AND if you aren't already crying, Steve Carell was on the Nerdist podcast (he doesn't really talk about The Office that much, but it's just comforting to hear his voice).

Other things that are a big deal: Beyoncé released a new single, appropriately named "Bow Down", which is exactly what I did the first time I heard it. Emma Watson could possibly be doing a movie version of 50 Shades of Gray, which is….porn….right? It has to be just porn, like what else is that book about besides sex? It's fine, I'm just saying let's call it what it is, so horny mothers of five know exactly what they're getting when they go see it. On that note, let's see what TVgasm has...

This Week:

As usual Oprah has hopped on a bandwagon, like, five weeks too late. She's released a Harlem Shake video, go check TVgasm out for all the details. Maybe she'll discover Nyan Cat in a couple years. Oprah iz a n00b, L0L.

Lindsay Lohan is in the news again, this time not for killing a couple clown hookers, but because she feels feels bullied by Justin Bieber. Well, I have some news for you Ms. Lohan, we've all felt personally victimized by Justin Bieber at one time or another. It's time to wipe up your mascara, build a bridge out of all your money, and get over it.

Did you know Lil Wayne was in the hospital? I did not, but apparently it was pretty serious, but he's fine now and all's well that ends well. Check out TVgasm for the full story!

Remember: The ending of TV series is a perfectly valid excuse to sit in bed all day and eat 3500 calories….so I hear….from my friends….who did that.

Tweet me quotes from the office and I will respond with a quote from the same episode FROM MEMORY. @Sam_the_stone

Today is a double whammy. Not only is it TVgasm Tuesday, but it's also the day before Independence day! Tomorrow, we get a day off to celebrate our American-ness by drinking and blowing some shit up (uh..if that's, like, legal for you and stuff). And what could be a better addition to your pre-Independence day celebrations than some reality TV-- the most American of all the television genres?

This week:

So...it's a given that the Jersey Shore cast is kind of crusty... but did you know they actually have legal documentation of it? Click to find out why you should keep a 20 mile radius between you and the entire cast.

Ok, I know I've written about Oprah before, but she's doing another thing and EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT IT, and it's ABOUT OPRAH. Go read about it, and then DVR it, and then send it to me because I don't get OWN at my house.

Did you know Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced?!?!?!??!?! You probably have, at this point, but TVgasm has the details that you probably didn't know (if you're like me and forgot they were still a thing in the first place.)

Remember: If you send enough invites to Oprah, she'll probably come to your 4th of July BBQ. So keep trying!

Welcome to the latest TVgasm Tuesday! I think the first thing you need to know about is the hottest new twitter, belonging to the one and only Bill Clinton! There was a whole thing during an interview with Stephen Colbert, which you can see here, but the bottom line is, Hillary Clinton's husband will now hopefully be a regular tweeter. God bless us every one. A few more premiere dates were released, so we now know when Arrested Development's new season, as well as the revival of Whose Line will be premiering! Prepare accordingly by stockpiling toilet paper and scouting out new delivery places near your house, because we both know you aren't leaving your house for a couple days before and after these shows premiere. 

In case you missed it, the new season of Mad Men premiered this week, and it was 90 minutes of sultry perfection that you should watch right now. In other news, who hasn't been a little bit accidentally racist?! Am I right, you guys?!?!?!?! No. Hopefully I am not right, but Brad Paisley has gone ahead and written a song about it. It is NOT going over well. 

Let's see what TVgasm has this week:

We've heard a lot, mostly from me probably, about Amanda Bynes recently (speaking of accidental racism *rim shot*) but let's get down to what's really going on with her. Is her vagina ok?! Has Drake murdered it yet?! Check out TVgasm for the full report.

Well we all saw it coming, and yet were still blindsided by it. Oprah has finally teamed up with Tyler Perry to make a parody of The Color Purple. Maybe Brad Paisley is thrown in there for some extra spice? I don't know, just a suggestion, I'm not the director.

The real Real Housewives (New York obviously) are recasting for their next season, and I'm getting nervous that my favorites won't come back! I swear if The Countess doesn't return I will….I don't know. Probably write a strongly worded letter. 

Remember: Please please please don't be accidentally racist. Please.

(also here's a little bonus)

Tweet me about how Sally Draper is being SUCH a bitch in the new season of Mad Men @Sam_the_Stone

It's TVgasm Tuesday once again, and folks, you had better prepare yourself for some shocking news because this week was an emotional roller coaster. Beyoncé performed the SHIT out of the National Anthem (not shocking), but then it was revealed that she lip-synced (VERY SHOCKING). Regardless, I still love her, because who couldn't love this.

In VERY shocking news, someone must have finally created a time machine, since it is clearly the 90's again if New Kids on the Block, Boyz II Men, and 98 Degrees are all going on tour with each other. I'm personally excited for the return of universally unflattering pleated pants, the Clinton administration and everything else wonderful about the 90's. James Franco has signed on to do yet another project-- not shocking-- and it's about something I've never heard of-- again, not shocking-- but what IS shocking is that this confirms that Franco has somehow found a way to live without eating or sleeping. I'm not trying to imply anything, but let's just say he's either a demon, an alien, or some kind of time-traveling peacekeeper. Let's see what TVgasm has to surprise us with, shall we?

This Week:

Did you guys know Betty White is 90 years old? I kind of just assumed that after the age of 55, celebrities revert back to their original state of skin cream and applause. Not Betty. She has a show on Fox and at the age of 90 she is still hotter than I am, somehow. In fact, she's almost 91 and Fox is throwing her a televised birthday special, so if you like jokes about old people and feeling vaguely concerned that someone's going to fall and break a hip... this is perfect for you!

By now you've probably heard about Lance Armstrong's doping scandal, but did you get a chance to see his interview with Oprah? Not to worry, TVgasm has your back. Click here to see the highlights from Oprah's interrogation. 

I don't know if everyone's heard but… Justin Bieber's butt is on the Internet. I repeat the Biebs showed his ass, someone took a picture and now it's on the Internet. Now, I'm not going to stoop so low as to link you to the picture, but... well, yes, that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do. Click to see Justin Bieber's butt as well as some other (less naked but equally scandalous) news on TVgasm's Facebook Leftovers!

Remember: If it really is the 90's again, let's just be cool about the whole Lewinsky thing this time around ok?