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I lost my Oscar.

I don't know where it is! I'm so embarrassed I don't know what to say.  I mean, here I am winning an Oscar for Best Picture of the year, and then the next thing I know Clooney's giving me my eighth shot of anisette and my mother's calling Jenny because Vi shit the bed again or something and bingo-bango my Oscar is missing and the Los Angeles police doesn't seem to give a damn.  

When I realized it was gone last night I cried a little bit, though I don't really remember it.  I do remember that f***ing little princess Anne Hathaway yelling in my face about how she was picked most likely to succeed in high school and how it is totally coming true, and also how Devito was cracking me up talking about his penis but I can't - remember - where - my - Oscar - is.  This sucks.  I earned that Oscar!  It's mine!

Oh well, maybe the Academy will get me another one.  I still have the one I won for writing with Matt, but this one is cooler - I mean, would you rather win an Oscar with Matt Damon or George Clooney?   Kind of a no brainer, though Matt's cool, don't get me wrong, but he only has a single Oscar and I have two - well, I've won two but like I said, I lost the one last night.  

That doesn't change the fact that I didn't win it, though!  And that's enough.  Jenny says that's enough.  And I think it is, I just wouldn't mind having the Oscar, the actual thing, but whatever.  I had a fun night.  Maybe it'll turn up.  Regardless, I am truly blessed.  I have to call and thank everyone for making last night so special and maybe throw a brick through Anne Hathaway's window because she sucks.

Bye bye, diary!

Sincerely, with love,

Two-time Academy Award Winner,

Benjamin Affleck

In the latest episode of our punk/prank/human graffiti show McMayhem, star Matt McManus runs around West Hollywood giving "kisses" to gay guys. (Hey, it's the title of the episode! -- Gwyneth Paltrow)

In case you're unfamililar with the legend that is Bruce Vilanch, let's remind you:

He is one of Whoopi Goldberg's BFFs.
He was not only the head writer on Hollywood Squares, he was often CENTER SQUARE.
He has written jokes for Bette Midler, Robin Williams and The Academy Awards, The Emmys and The Tonys.
He did not think James Franco did a good job when he hosted The Oscars.
James Franco did not like that Bruce Vilanch did not think he did a good job.

Good cameo, McMayhem!

1/10/13

Dear Diary,

Jennifer tells me not to worry but I am mad.  The Oscar nominations came out today and I didn't get nominated for Best Director!  Snubbed.  I mean, Argo was nominated for Best Picture and I'm proud of that - but I wanted to be nominated for Best Director!  It just kind of hurts that the Academy didn't think my work was worthy of a nomination - and also, I dunno what they're playing at, but that guy Michael Haneke was nominated and he isn't even an American - and neither is Ang Lee!  What's up with that?  I'm American, born and raised.  I'm from BOSTON, damnit!  I think the Academy should show some respect - Jenny agrees with me on this, too.  She's the best :) Hi, baby! I know you're reading this!

Damon came over with some Mike's Hard.  We sat in the den and talked about the Oscars and then Matt popped in Good Will Hunting again…Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, I guess.  I mean, we both wrote the script, but I wasn't "Will"; I wasn't the star, I didn't get nominated for Best Actor, Matt did.  It's OK though, he means well.  Jenny reminded me that Matt's new movie Promised Land got bad reviews and that made me feel a little better.  I know he's my friend, but sometimes I can't help but smile when a movie of his tanks a little, LOL. 

After that I kinda just hung out around the house for a while.  I'm trying to learn how to play "Hold On Loosely" on the guitar but I just can't get it.  The chords hurt my fingers and I got frustrated so I just stopped and went to the computer and played Bejeweled while a "Cheers" re-run played on a tv in the background.  Eventually Jenny came in and gave me a hug and that made me feel better, so I got up and the two of us went to an ice cream parlor to get sundaes.  Unfortunately a dude with a camera was there trying to get pictures of us so I had to pull a knife on him (don't worry, I didn't have to stab him).

Somehow, Jenny and I were able to sneak out the back and we drove up to our favorite lookout spot in Malibu. As the sun set, I held my likable and charming yet still-able-to-kick-some-a** actress wife and couldn't help but wish I were holding a best director academy award statue instead. Sorry, baby. I know you're reading this :(

After about 40 minutes we were ready to head home and now here I am writing this entry.  All and all it was an OK day.  I didn't get nominated for Best Director but there's always next time.  And who knows, maybe we'll win Best Picture!  I have to count my blessings. 

Your friend,

Ben

Today is Jim Henson's birthday, the visionary puppeteer who has given joy to millions of people both young and old through The Muppets, which he created, and his work on projects as diverse as Sesame Street and Star Wars.  In honor of a man who will always be sorely missed, we present the creation of Oscar the Grouch, as envisioned by Jon Friedman and some pretty groovy puppeteering by the fine folks of "Co-op of the Damned".  Enjoy!

It's TVgasm Tuesday! Did you watch the Oscars on Sunday night? No? That's fine because I did and here's everything you need to know: First and foremost you should know that almost everyone was offended by Seth MacFarlane, even though he charmed the pants off me (granted I wasn't wearing pants to begin with, but here we are). Anne Hathaway's nipples were probably the best-dressed stars on the red carpet, and their appearance reignited everyone's hatred of Anne Hathaway. Specifically our editor's. Kristin Chenoweth is a tiny elf. The internet is shitting its pants about Jennifer Lawrence. All pretty standard.

Here's some other non-Oscars stuff you should know: We have some more information about the new season of Arrested Devlopment, Maya Rudolph could possibly be hosting a new variety show (why has a big deal not been made about this?!), and Aubrey Plaza talks about food! Let's see what TVgasm has for us...

This Week:

I can't be the only one who can't keep all the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills straight, right? Which one is the blonde one with giant boobs again? Don't fear, TVgasm has the definitive RHOBH study guide!

Click to find out which Jersey Shore star (well, "star" is a bit of a stretch) sold her car on eBay! Here's a hint: she's orange and yells a lot and will probably get leopard print tattooed onto her skin at some point in the future.

I've always said that Michelle Obama can do no wrong, and I was finally proven absolutely right when she released this video with Jimmy Fallon! Click to watch FLOTUS outshine every other world leader's wife on national TV.

Remember: If you ever run into Anne Hathaway's nipples, they're more afraid of you than you are of them.

Tweet me your TV hopes and dreams: Sam_The_Stone