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1/14/13

Dear Diary,

So. Hung. Over.  

Haha, OMG, last night was one of the best, craziest nights of my life!  I didn't just win one Golden Globe, I won two!  How amazing is that?

So the night started pretty much like you'd expect.  A little blow in the limo just to get the feeling right; I only do that kind of thing before big awards shows nowadays, unless of course I'm hanging out with Damon.  They don't call him "China White" for nothing.

The red carpet is always the same.  I hate it.  I know I'm an actor and I should be used to the attention but I don't, I just don't.  Too many eyes on me.  I get uncomfortable.  I sweat.  I have dark thoughts.  Thank god I have Jenny with me.  I don't think I could have bared the prying eyes any longer if not for my beautiful angel protecting me on that red carpet.  I love you, baby.

But once I'm inside the hotel, I come alive!  All my friends are there, the Mike's Hard Lemonade is flowing, and I'm feeling groovy!  Not worried about winning or losing at this point, just looking to have a good time and catch up with friends I haven't seen in a long time.  I mean, how often do I get to make fun of Anne Hathaway with Jennifer Lawrence?  Hathaway's mouth is freakin' huge, LOL!

And then the ceremony starts and Tina and Amy totally are killing it and next thing you know Jodie's speech is totally confusing me and I'm hoisting a best director statue!  So thrilling.  Like, of course I said that winning doesn't mean as much as being mentioned in the same breath as the other directors nominated but we all know that's a load of bullshit.  You play to win the game, simple as that.  Maybe DeNiro will start taking my calls now that I've finally won a globe.  

More Mike's Hard and kisses with Jenny and then Argo wins best picture.  The best.  Night.  Ever.  Standing onstage with all of those talented people looking at all of the drunk A-listers applauding me is like standing atop Mount Olympus as Zeus bathes you in the golden tear drops of Helen of Troy.  Boner city, LOL.

After that we went to the after party and I don't even think I can even write down an account of the debauchery that transpired.  Let me just say Clooney doesn't always get naked, but when he does, you KNOW it's a good night.  And then let me say John Goodman doesn't always get naked, but when he does you know we're heading to White Castle sooner than later.  I know, so Hollywood, right? ;)

Okay I need to take some Advil and get in the hot tob with my Golden Globes.  It's been so amazing.  I love the me that I am.  I love Jenny.  I love movies!!!!  Haha, ok, ok, bye for now diary.

Yours,

Ben

PS - Arkin's head isn't the only thing that's bald :-p

The Olympics are over, and Fall TV shows haven't started yet, so I'm assuming the only thing you're living for is TVgasm Tuesday. Well, stop crying, and get ready to have your pants blown off by all this entertainment news:

Miley Cyrus apparently cut her own hair while angry and blindfolded. Taylor Swift released a new song which (shocker) is about a past relationship, and is called something like "I'm gonna hate you forever because you're a douche canoe." Also, Robert Pattinson is still a sad panda. Are your pants blown off? good. Hold onto your eyeballs because here comes some  TVgasm.

This Week:

It's another episode of Mornin' Time! This week Fred and Quinnifer address presidential attack ads, and It. Gets. Real. Real. Quick. Go watch!

You know those women on The Price is Right who show off the prizes and don't ever blink? Well, now you can be one, even if you're a dude! Read TVgasm to find out how (and then apply because, honestly, this is a dream job).

Real Housewives have some real problems to deal with! Like "where do you store nine leopard print painted Mercedes?" And "how do you remove the scent of shame from silk?" Like a (not at all) friendly aunt or uncle, TVgasm has some advice for these ladies in this week's Dear TVgasm.

Remember: If you ever need to get the scent of shame out of silk, just use seltzer water/your own tears.

These are the kinds of people we imagine don't like Spooning:

*People who have problems with intimacy.

*People who would rather be wearing furry costumes.

*People who have problems controlling their own body heat so any additional body heat is just too overwhelming? (I actually sat next to someone on a plane once who told me this. I think he just wanted the armrest all to himself.)

*Kristen Stewart if she's sleeping with Robert Pattinson.

*People who are into forking instead.

*People who happen to be mysterious, self-made billionaires who have also experienced traumatic childhoods and channeled all of their control issues into questionable BDSM relationships yet somehow remain alluring to every female on the planet Earth.

End of rant. Just watch this.

Stop everything, internet, we have some breaking news! Well, not breaking like happening right now, I guess… but it's like super important stuff. Get ready for some entertainment news that will literally* make your face explode. Did you hear The Biebs totes vommed on stage? Gross (although I won't pretend I haven't watched the video several times, no judgement). Also, Adele is releasing a new song for the newest Bond movie "Skyfall". I assume it will be mostly her screaming, but I'm excited anyways. Probably the most outrageous story is that Robert Pattinson was named world's sexiest man again, even though I KEEP on sending in my headshots. THIS CONTEST IS RIGGED. Ok let's write our complaint letters, and see what TVgasm has for us.

*figuratively 

This Week:

We've all heard about TLC's "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo"; how terrible it is, how it's everything wrong with society, how we're secretly envious of how confidently Alana wears those tank tops. During the new season, though, the Honey Boo Boo clan will be getting a major pay raise. Click to read TVgasm's full story. Will Mama still be coupon queen with all this extra money?! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!

How much do you love Sesame Street? If you are human with a functioning heart, the answer is probably A WHOLE LOT. Remember that time they spoofed Glee? Well this one is like that one but better! Go watch!

It appears someone has messed with Caroline Manzo's Fambuhly. They have messed with her Fambuhly, and they are GAHBAGE! Clearly Mama Manzo needs some help, and TVgasm is here with some support in the most recent Dear TVgasm!

Remember: If you weren't named world's sexiest man, it's probably because you were nominated for universe's sexiest man…..right? RIGHT?!

1. Nicki Minaj and Keith Urban officially join Mariah Carey and Randy Jackson and American Idol judges! This is so exciting, right? I mean, is it? I don't know. I don't watch American Idol. All I know is I hope that Nicki and Mariah roll their eyes at each other all season.

2. Resident Evil took first place at the weekend box office. That's so interesting, because I'm pretty sure I've never actually met anyone who's seen ANY of the Resident Evil films. No one's ever excited to see the next one, no one ever says, "Hey, I finally saw that Resident Evil movie." No one. But they've made four. I'm pretty sure this means that the tons of people who pretend they don't buy Justin Bieber albums even though he sells zillions of albums must also pretend that they don't see these movies.

3. Childrens Hospital won an Emmy! Congrats to David Wain, Jon Stern, Rob Corddry and the whole CH crew for winning Outstanding Special Class: Short-Format Live-Action Entertainment Program! The whole list of winners at the Creative Emmys 2012 is here.

4. Robert Pattinson took Kristen Stewart back. Or he didn't, and gets to fly on private jets to promote Twilight while she's denigrated to first class. Or maybe no one actually knows.

5. The iPhone 5 pre-orders sold out in one day. Apple sold more than 2 million units of the iPhone 5 in 24 hours. In related news, "ButYouGotThatiPhone5Tho" was a trending topic on Twitter all weekend, indicating the various levels of ratchetness that people endure, while somehow still being able to afford the trendy device, which starts at $199.