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  • The Night Feed

    Things You Should Never Say To Someone Working Retail Over The Holidays

    Well, it’s November, which means one thing: the holidays are on the horizon. Errbody be buying presents, and while that might be good for the economy, it’s hell on the underpaid retail employees who have to deal with hordes of grumpy, dissatisfied customers. It’s the season of peace on earth and goodwill toward men, unless you work at the Apple Store – in which case, screw you.

    In order to help you, Gentle Reader, avoid being a total douchebag to retail associates this season, I have compiled a collection of quotes you should do your best to scrub from your vocabulary. Remember, you can dump your entire coin jar into the Salvation Army bucket, but that act of goodwill is completely canceled out by any of these sentences:  

    1. “Do you have any more in the back?”

    No, we don’t, and we probably don’t have time to go check, so unless this is something you desperately need – i.e., not a Monster High doll or a blush palette – you should probably just check online or go elsewhere.

    2. “Well, can you just go check the back?”

    Inside tip: when you tell your sales associate to “go check in the back,” they walk into the stockroom and just chat with their coworkers for about thirty seconds. Because there are never any more in the back.

    3. “What do you mean, you don’t have any more [insert Black Friday doorbuster here]?! I gave up my sleep for this?”

    You really do not want to say this to someone whose store opened at 8pm on Thanksgiving in order to sell more flatscreen TVs. Seriously, you do not want to say this. If you have any shred of human decency, you will not even think these words.

    4. “It doesn’t scan? Must be free, then!”

    The first time your cashier heard this “joke,” they laughed so hard they fell off their dinosaur.

    5. Any reference to how crazy the mall parking lot is.

    There are actually malls that require their employees to park over a mile away as to free up as many parking spaces for customers as possible. This is possibly the worst thing I’ve ever heard and I wish I were making it up but I am not.

    Got any retail rants for me? Tweet me at @lizbelsky to share.


  • The Night Feed

    Holiday Gift Guide: My Damn Channel Merch!

    The time is upon us!  And I'm not talking about the end of the world this Friday or the possibility that the Giants might not make the playoffs this year.  No, it's the time of year when you're kinda screwed if you haven't completed your holiday shopping!

    "Oh no, DannyMoney, oh no!  I haven't completed my holiday shopping yet!  My life is in disarray!  What to get Aunt Martha?  What to give little Jimmy Lou?  Oh what shall I get dear Uncle Oscar?"  Please, please - be calm!  I am here to help: simply visit the District Lines My Damn Channel merch store!  There you can get a bevy of goodies like DailyGrace t-shirts and shot glasses, as well as McMayhem and Co-op of the Damned t-shirts.

    Yes, those are all great gifts!  Yes, I saved your Christmas!  Yes, you should buy me a My Damn Channel classic tee as thanks for helping you not make a fool of yourself at the family Christmas party when you would have become hammered from the spiked egg nog, since your need to self-medicate would be fueled by a deep, dark depression that arrived just as your loved ones opened your gifts, which would have been nothing but used tissues and old hamster food.  

    So, go get some awesome merch!  And follow me: @DannyMoney


  • Wainy Days

    Holiday Gift Guide: Freaks and Geeks

    It's the most wonderful time of the year, and you know what the means?  That's right: it's time to buy things and then give the things to the people that you're buying the stuff for.  It's called "gift giving" or "giving gifts" or "here, this is for you." 

    In the spirit of giving, I thought I'd give you all some gift ideas!  From stocking stuffers to E-Z Bake Ovens to My Pal 2 (ill toy, yo).  And, in honor of this really cool article about the really cool TV show "Freaks and Geeks" that came out today in Vanity Fair, I am going to recommend that you buy a loved one the complete "Freaks and Geeks" DVD collection!  

    Why, you ask?  It's simple.  "Freaks and Geeks" is a really, really good show that was pretty revolutionary in a lot of ways, most of which are outlined in the Vanity Fair article.  Personally, I fell in love with the characters.  Hard.  They're not caricatures. They seem like real people.

    But if you're not into falling in love with fictional characters, another good reason to buy the set is that three of the show's stars - Lizzie Kaplan, Martin Starr, and Dave Krumholtz - were all in episodes of Wainy Days, a show that absolutely kicks butt and-- Hey!  Wait a minute!  I just got another idea: While you're buying the "Freaks and Geeks" DVD why don't you also pick up the Wainy Days DVD.  There's a ton of never-before-seen exclusive footage on the DVD that can't be found on the Internet, so what are you waiting for?  Read this  article, buy the DVDs, and make someone very happy this holiday season!

    Follow me: @DannyMoney


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