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I know.

I know I know I know I know I know. Thanks to intrepid viewser ifeeIinfinite who must have actually read my previous post about how you can always tell me if something is wrong on My Damn Channel! So, yay for that! Thank you! You did good, girl!

But.

My home internet is in a bad way right now. Like, it's anemic or sick or depressed or something and won't let me fix the video. So it'll have to stay unworkable/unwatchable for a few more hours. Can you wait that long? Will you forgive me? Will you with words unspoken say that I'm the only one? Will you still love me tomorrow? Okay. That was too much.

UPDATE: It's fixed AND our taxes are done.

It's another TVgasm Tuesday (Thursday) (sorry, guys-- hurricanes are crazy things), and I'm fighting through no power, or water, or will to live to bring TV news to you guys. It was dark times (PUNS!) for a while, there. No power meant I had to read books and eat kind of melty ice cream and pretend I was Emily Dickinson. However, now I have internet so I'm dealing with staying inside for days in the following ways: 1) watching Dance Moms online, 2) tweeting (about food mostly) 3) reading up on entertainment news. Let's see what TVgasm has to get us (me) through the aftermath of this hurricane.

This Week:

Royalty isn't any different from us mortals (except Kate Middleton who may or may not be a deity); they love celeb gossip too! Watch TVgasm's new cartoon "Gossip Queens" to hear a couple Queens dish about some crazy famous people.

So last week I wrote about the wedding of celebrity couple "TimberBiel" (still hate the name), but is there trouble in their weirdly named celebrity paradise? Click to find out!

When I think Disney, the first thing I think of is outer space, obviously, and the second thing I think is lightsabers. What? That's just me? Yeah that's what I figured. Click to read about Disney's new Star Wars movies!

Remember: If you don't have power for a while, it can sometimes help to dress up in 19th century dress and pretend you are a female poet. Don't knock it 'til you try it.

It's TVgasm Tuesday again and just in time. It looks like the country is falling apart right now: Clint Eastwood is talking to a chair, Tom Cruise is auditioning women to be his wife, and the Republican National Convention just happened, so we're all still trying to cope. Luckily, I, accompanied as always by the folks at TVgasm, am here again to help America deal while it's going though it's very own "Hot Mess Phase". 

This Week:

Listen America, first things first, we need to stop paying Kim Kardashian to do nothing. She recently got boatloads of money from the Gap/Old Navy lawsuit, and, let's be honest, she probably doesn't actually need any more money. So, here's my advice, world: stop being obsessed with Kim; I guarantee it will improve your life. It might even stop global warming, who knows?

Oh, and another thing: can we all agree collectively not to mourn the loss of Jersey Shore? Since this upcoming season will be their last, maybe we finally get over these loud Guidos and move on with our lives. We can do this, Internet. Let's make a clean break

Lastly, I love Betty White as much as the next guy. Maybe more than the next guy, actually, but come on, we can't let her do Obama's intro at the DNC, if for no other reason than Betty White is a goddess and we have to uphold the separation of church and state. Also, she might start having a conversation with a table or something, and I could not handle that.

Remember: If you want to help America out, write a mildly aggressive blog post. Mild aggression can change the world. 

Today is a double whammy. Not only is it TVgasm Tuesday, but it's also the day before Independence day! Tomorrow, we get a day off to celebrate our American-ness by drinking and blowing some shit up (uh..if that's, like, legal for you and stuff). And what could be a better addition to your pre-Independence day celebrations than some reality TV-- the most American of all the television genres?

This week:

So...it's a given that the Jersey Shore cast is kind of crusty... but did you know they actually have legal documentation of it? Click to find out why you should keep a 20 mile radius between you and the entire cast.

Ok, I know I've written about Oprah before, but she's doing another thing and EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT IT, and it's ABOUT OPRAH. Go read about it, and then DVR it, and then send it to me because I don't get OWN at my house.

Did you know Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced?!?!?!??!?! You probably have, at this point, but TVgasm has the details that you probably didn't know (if you're like me and forgot they were still a thing in the first place.)

Remember: If you send enough invites to Oprah, she'll probably come to your 4th of July BBQ. So keep trying!