Dear People Who Play Music On Their Phones Without Headphones,
YOU NEED TO STOP.
You people are the worst. You are terrible, all of you. You are worse than old white ladies in tennis outfits who scream at their baristas. You are worse than parents who allow their kids to make loud, annoying noises for extended periods of time. You are worse than people who watch the Kardashians. You are worse than the Kardashians themselves. I HATE ALL OF YOU.
I can understand why you’d want to listen to music in public, especially on public transportation. But if you don’t have your headphones with you, you do not get to listen to your music. This should be understood. You are breaking the number one rule of existing in a public space, which is “Do not make other people annoyed by your merely being there.” I’m not really a huge music-on-the-subway person myself – I’m more of a reader. Which means that when you’re blasting A$AP Rocky during our shared morning commute, you are disturbing me – and everyone else around me – for the sake of your own enjoyment. WHICH IS NOT OKAY. NOT IN THE LEAST. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
And when you play the same song over and over and over again for half an hour? I was not the only one who wanted to kill you, dude who did that on my Q train this morning. Everyone in the car was sizing you up and trying to figure out which of their possessions could best be repurposed into a makeshift weapon.
Do you also go into the greeting card section of drugstores and open all the musical cards, “just to make sure they work”? I bet you do. I want to round up all of the people like you and send you all to the Hunger Games.
You all suck.
Sincerely, Someone Who Only Got Through Half a Chapter of Allegiant This Morning