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This morning, Blackberry announced Alicia Keys as their "Global Creative Director."

Yeah. I know. Actually, I DON'T know. I don't know what that means or how this will work or whether or not she took this gig to help pay down Swizz Beatz's legal fees. (Scorned Baby Mamas are expensive, yo!).

All I know is I laughed hysterically because this is obviously something very important in business-y things, and I don't understand it and I laugh hysterically when I don't understand things.

And then I thought about how Alicia Keys's established body of work may be just what Blackberry needs.

Here are 5 Alicia Keys Songs She Can Use To Help Rebrand Blackberry:

(In no particular order...)

1. "This Girl Is On Fire... but Not Because My Blackberry Spontaneously Combusted"

2. "You Don't Know My Name... But You Got My BBM"

3. "How Come You Don't Call Me... I'm The New Global Creative Director of Blackberry and I Got You That Phone For Free"

4. "If I Ain't Got You... I Probably Have an iPhone or More Likely an Android But Those Aren't as Cool as a Blackberry"

5. "No One... Understands What This Gig Is But All I Know Is I'mma Be In Hella More Blackberry Commercials"

Any other ideas? Or can you explain how this will make you want a Blackberry more? Let me know at @mariaalana

Not really. I mean, this isn't exactly a tutorial. It's more like a "how to do your taxes if you're Grace's brother Tim." Although Tim and I did do our taxes in a similar manner: we both used springtime drinks to get us through it.

That's not illegal, right? I mean, as long as the numbers are right, right?

PS: This is also an open letter to the IRS to please never audit me. Or Tim.