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  • The Night Feed

    Ben Affleck's Diary - Golden Globes Edition

    1/14/13


    Dear Diary,


    So. Hung. Over.  


    Haha, OMG, last night was one of the best, craziest nights of my life!  I didn't just win one Golden Globe, I won two!  How amazing is that?


    So the night started pretty much like you'd expect.  A little blow in the limo just to get the feeling right; I only do that kind of thing before big awards shows nowadays, unless of course I'm hanging out with Damon.  They don't call him "China White" for nothing.


    The red carpet is always the same.  I hate it.  I know I'm an actor and I should be used to the attention but I don't, I just don't.  Too many eyes on me.  I get uncomfortable.  I sweat.  I have dark thoughts.  Thank god I have Jenny with me.  I don't think I could have bared the prying eyes any longer if not for my beautiful angel protecting me on that red carpet.  I love you, baby.


    But once I'm inside the hotel, I come alive!  All my friends are there, the Mike's Hard Lemonade is flowing, and I'm feeling groovy!  Not worried about winning or losing at this point, just looking to have a good time and catch up with friends I haven't seen in a long time.  I mean, how often do I get to make fun of Anne Hathaway with Jennifer Lawrence?  Hathaway's mouth is freakin' huge, LOL!


    And then the ceremony starts and Tina and Amy totally are killing it and next thing you know Jodie's speech is totally confusing me and I'm hoisting a best director statue!  So thrilling.  Like, of course I said that winning doesn't mean as much as being mentioned in the same breath as the other directors nominated but we all know that's a load of bullshit.  You play to win the game, simple as that.  Maybe DeNiro will start taking my calls now that I've finally won a globe.  


    More Mike's Hard and kisses with Jenny and then Argo wins best picture.  The best.  Night.  Ever.  Standing onstage with all of those talented people looking at all of the drunk A-listers applauding me is like standing atop Mount Olympus as Zeus bathes you in the golden tear drops of Helen of Troy.  Boner city, LOL.


    After that we went to the after party and I don't even think I can even write down an account of the debauchery that transpired.  Let me just say Clooney doesn't always get naked, but when he does, you KNOW it's a good night.  And then let me say John Goodman doesn't always get naked, but when he does you know we're heading to White Castle sooner than later.  I know, so Hollywood, right? ;)


    Okay I need to take some Advil and get in the hot tob with my Golden Globes.  It's been so amazing.  I love the me that I am.  I love Jenny.  I love movies!!!!  Haha, ok, ok, bye for now diary.


    Yours,

    Ben


    PS - Arkin's head isn't the only thing that's bald :-p

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  • The Night Feed

    Twilight Fan Fiction

    The last Twilight movie comes out today. I've never actually seen any of these movies, so, naturally, I'm totally qualified to write a little Twilight fan fiction. Check it:


    Twilight: Breaking Dawn – The Final Chapter: The Saga Ends

    by Dan Grgas


    “The sun is rising,” said Edward. “Dawn is breaking.”


    Bella jumped off of her wolf and Edward followed suit. “Patience, my love,” she said. “We are almost at the end.”


    They looked into one another’s eyes. Oh, so much time wasted-– yet, so much shared.  They kissed passionately, as if their world was about to end at any moment, their souls becoming one, their hearts beating with desire, their entire beings conjoining into one unit.


    “What was that?” Edward said, breaking from his soul kiss with Bella. “The woods.”


    They both turned to see Taylor Lautner’s figure silhouetted in the receding moonlight.


    “Hello, Edward. Hello, Bella,” he said. “The end is nigh.”


    “You know you have no place here!” Edward shouted at Lautner, taking a step toward his foe. “Be gone from this place! It is the only way-– or else the seal shall be broken and we will both be banished to the Sun of Never-Ending Night!”


    “You think that, old friend,” Taylor spake, “you think those thoughts tinged with superstition.” 


    He cackled wildly until Bella’s voice shimmered out from the dawn light behind Edward to address Lautner, to let him know-– to make him feel-– that there was indeed no place for the two of them in this world. “There is no place for us in this world, Taylor!” she said, needing to make sure that he knew that, above all else. “Above all, by now you must know this, Taylor!” she proclaimed, knowing at the same time that, sure, it might have worked in another world, but here, in this world, the world of Night, she was Edward’s, and Edward hers. 


    She walked toward Taylor in the receding moonlight. “Taylor,” she whispered, knowing his hearing was acute, “Let me go.”


    “No!” he howled, awakening the slumbering turtledoves in the surrounding wood. “I will make a place for us!”


    He then launched himself toward Bella and Edward, but Edward, quick as ever, pulled out his broadsword and drove the mighty blade deep into Lautner’s chest.


    Slain, Taylor Lautner fell to his knees, the mighty blade still embedded in his black heart. He looked to Bella who had knelt beside him. “My love is the Cry of the Wolf-Creature, and the Raven swoops to reclaim me…I love you, Bella…” 


    He breathed his final breath and his life expired as his soul rose to meet The Moon-Maker.  


    Edward ripped the mighty blade from Taylor’s chest and bent over his victim to begin drinking his blood. Bella said, “Goodbye, Taylor. Dawn was never meant to break for you.”   


    She closed his eyes with her delicate, pale fingertips and then rose to recite a vampire prayer for the dead she had learned from Edward.


    “Eee-mow-way

    The vampire’s day

    Is always night

    Hey-dee-doo, 

    Doo-boo-hey,

    A fallen soldier

    To the light’s bright day

    Bee-bee-dee

    Doo-dah-hey.”


    Edward, having consumed all of Lautner’s blood, rose next to Bella and took her pale, delicate hands into his. “He was a warrior. Too bad he could never see the error of his night-wantings.”


    Bella looked deep into the eyes of her one true love, Edward. His eyes, she thought, Oh, how they burned like the light he could never see in this land.  


    “I love you, my sweet.”


    “And I you.”


    They kissed, then and there, with the passion of six thousand eons of night; a kiss that would last an eternity, sure as the night is as dark as a pool of frozen obsidian. 


    They broke apart from one another, much like the dawn around them. “Bella, we must leave,” he said to her.


    “I know.”


    They mounted their mighty wolves and swiftly rode off, two lovers with the world at their backs and the future in front of them. They knew that the rode was full of peril, for they were star-crossed.  But as their wolves pulsated below them, their coats glistening in the breaking dawn, Bella and Edward knew they had the most powerful thing in the world on their side: Love.


    - THE END - 


    Follow me on Twitter: @DannyMoney

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  • The Night Feed

    American Thing We Love: American Flag Clothing

    In honor of Fourth of July, America's Independence Day, I'm honoring American Things We (I) Love:

    American Flag Clothing.

    Our 4th grade class had the honor/responsibility of raising and lowering the school's flag every day, and we were given very clear instructions:

    Don't drop it.
    Don't let it touch the ground.
    Don't hang it upside down.

    Here are a litany of other rules about the flag, most notably "The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform, except that a flag patch may be used on the uniform of military personnel, firefighters, police officers, and members of patriotic organizations."

    I'm not sure how flag bikinis, shorts, do-rags and Tommy Hilfiger found the loophole here, since one might argue that having the American flag on your butt is worse than letting it drop or touch the ground, but we're all pretty glad they did, right?

    Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

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  • Wainy Days

    Wet Hot American Summer Screening

    Did you guys hear the great news? There is a live Wet Hot American Summer screening in Brooklyn TONIGHT!!! Do you live in Brooklyn? Do you live near Brooklyn? If not, do you have access to a private jet/helicopter to fly you to Brooklyn? That's a shame cause this shit is going to be OFF THE HOOK!!!

    A lot of the same people who are in Wainy Days are in this movie. You know Wainy Days? Our hit web series that's also available on DVD right now! Loaded with extras, oh man, if you don't have that private jet/helicopter I suppose purchasing the DVD will do.

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  • The Night Feed

    American Thing We Love: America's Test Kitchen

    In honor of Fourth of July, America's Independence Day, I'm honoring American Things We (I) Love:

    America's Test Kitchen

    Have you ever seen this show? It's amazing. No gimmicks. No embellishments. No harbingers of death masked as fried food. No one weirdly obsessed with her husband or wearing really heavy eye makeup in her kitchen. This show is legit. It acknowledges common cooking problems that the average home cook might have, and presents reasonable steps for fixing them. AND they have 608 recipes for Apple Pie or Apple Pie-related food items. And if that's not an American thing we should love, I don't know what is.

    Up next in our celebration of American Things We (I) Love: "America" (from West Side Story)...

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  • The Night Feed

    American Thing We Love: America Ferrera

    In honor of Fourth of July, America's Independence Day, I'm honoring American Things We (I) Love:

    America Ferrera

    Why? She's amazing. Most people know her from Ugly Betty but I first discovered her in a movie called "Real Women Have Curves." That movie was really important for me because I, too, moved from Los Angeles to New York to go to Columbia. I, too, am a real woman who has curves. I, too, have had magic moments made more magical by because Manu Chao's "Minha Galera" is playing in the background. PLUS, she was in those "Traveling Pants" movies, which were pretty terrible but provided all of us with hilarious pants puns for a year or two.

    Up next in our celebration of American Things We (I) Love: America (the band)...

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  • TVGasm

    TVGASM TUESDAY

    Welcome to another TVgasm Tuesday! Because I've made it my duty to inform the general public of pertinent and important information, I think I should tell you right away about the social event of the year, nay….the decade. It's a Honey Boo Boo wedding, y'all. If my sources are correct the theme will be "The Victorian Era" and it will take place at Buckinham Palace where Queen Elizabeth will be the ring bearer/flower girl. Do you want to feel bad about yourself!? Of course you do! Go read about how much more money The Real Housewives make than you.  I mean sure, I haven't bought groceries in a few weeks, but it makes sense that these women get paid millions of dollars for drinking white wine and fake laughing all day. 


    Ok this one actually cheered me up a little bit after my post Real Housewives-rage: Justin Bieber reportedly got attacked/humped/hugged while on stage at a concert in Dubai. Ah to be a young desperate horny Justin Bieber fan in Dubai! Oh…just kidding that actually sounds like the worst. And last, but most certainly not least, it's now being reported that Steve Carrel will for sure be returning for the series finale of the Office! What are these feelings I'm feeling? Happy, horribly depressed, lonely, ecstatic? Let's see what TVgasm has


    This Week:


    Joe Francis could face up to five years in jail for assaulting some women after taking them to his home. Who would have thought the creator of "Girl Gone Wild" wouldn't have respect for women?!


    Do you guys remember Fantasia Barrino? She won American Idol at some point, and then she probably did some other stuff (like the Wendy Williams Show, and The Color Purple). Let's find out together what her deal is!


    Please tell me you've been following the Lindsey Lohan going to rehab drama. First she was going, and then she wasn't going, and now she's there….but for how long? My guess is she'll somehow take over the rehab facility in some kind of Lord of the Flies type drama. 


    Remember: If you're ever in need of money, put on some press-on nails, dye your skin fluorescent orange, and wait for Bravo to arrive to start taping you


    Tweet me your Honey Boo Boo wedding vows @Sam_The_Stone

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  • My Damn Channel LIVE

    Dance History

    Last night was the American Music Awards, you guys, and what a historical event it was! Two living legends, MC Hammer and Psy, finally sharing a stage after years and years of people asking for it! Years and years, you guys!

    MC Hammer and Psy both shifted the world with their extraordinary dance moves. They are just as important musically as James Brown and Michael Jackson based on their dance moves alone, according to Mr. Hammer.

    I'm not sure who actually does it better, Hammer and Psy, or Beth, Nate, and Grace. I mean, I might be a little biased but I think I know the answer… I'll let you decide for yourself though. Why don't you go ahead and tweet at me what you think?

    @MrChrisDonahue

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