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OH YEAH, OH YEAH!  Here we go, everybody!  HERE WE GO!

It's time to smush-- if she's DTF. It's time to beat the beat at Karma. It's t-shirt time cuz the cabs are here. It's gym time, it's tanning time and it's laundry time... because GTL is how we DO. It's time for another season of the Jersey Shore. Time to head back to the land of "juicehead gorillas" and "meatballs" for one more summer, since this will be the final season of the show.  So what can we look forward to this season?

Well, Snooki is pregnant, so I'm anxious to see how she handles not being able to get absolutely smashed every hour of every day. This also makes me wonder what Deena will do without her meatball-in-crime. And will Ryder make an appearance and get it in with Pauly D or Vinny?

The Situation acted like a real baby all of last season; personally, I thought his antics on seasons 1-3 were priceless, hilarious stuff, so I'm hoping he gets back to that, instead of continuing to act like the sniveling weasel he has become. He's done some time in rehab, so maybe that means we'll see a better, sharper Mike.

Vinny turned me off last season when he had a nervous breakdown and had to go home and get a stupid tattoo across his chest; it certainly must be really tough doing nothing all day and partying every night.  Hopefully the perennially awesome Pauly D can make sure his best bro is in good spirits throughout the summer.  

And then of course we're all wondering what versions of Sammi and Ronnie we will see this season. Will we see the rare, "cool-and-composed" couple or the "out-of-control-ridiculous-roid-raged-sweetest-bitch-you-will-ever-meet" couple that have torn through five seasons?  

I hope JWoww still has big boobs.

So, there it is. Those are my thoughts. I'm looking forward to some good times, though a sober Snooki is almost too much for me to bear.  Jionni, why didn't you just wear a condom so I could continue to see the shit-show that is Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi!?  WHY?!!?!

Ok, I'm out-- CABS AH HEAH!!!!!!!!!!

All these "celebrities" endorse alcohol and I-- as an incredibly influential blogger-- am sick of it! What kind of example is Lil' Kim setting for the children? Wait... do the children even know who Lil' Kim is? As a public service, here are a few recommendations for products other than alcohol that celebrities can endorse:

1. Hey, P. Diddy (if that's your real name)! How about endorsing sunglasses since no one has seen your eyes 2003 (if you even have eyes)!

2. Hey Jersey Shore Douche, why don't you promote not wearing a shirt ever because even though I don't know your name (and refuse to google it) I don't think I've ever seen you with a shirt on.

3. Hey Dan Aykroyd, I just found out you endorse alcohol as well. Here's an idea, why don't you endorse not taking classic films and ruining them by making a third installment 20 years later?

Oh right, because alcohol is fun. Tweet me an endorsement deal: @MrChrisDonahue

It's TVgasm Tuesday again and just in time. It looks like the country is falling apart right now: Clint Eastwood is talking to a chair, Tom Cruise is auditioning women to be his wife, and the Republican National Convention just happened, so we're all still trying to cope. Luckily, I, accompanied as always by the folks at TVgasm, am here again to help America deal while it's going though it's very own "Hot Mess Phase". 

This Week:

Listen America, first things first, we need to stop paying Kim Kardashian to do nothing. She recently got boatloads of money from the Gap/Old Navy lawsuit, and, let's be honest, she probably doesn't actually need any more money. So, here's my advice, world: stop being obsessed with Kim; I guarantee it will improve your life. It might even stop global warming, who knows?

Oh, and another thing: can we all agree collectively not to mourn the loss of Jersey Shore? Since this upcoming season will be their last, maybe we finally get over these loud Guidos and move on with our lives. We can do this, Internet. Let's make a clean break

Lastly, I love Betty White as much as the next guy. Maybe more than the next guy, actually, but come on, we can't let her do Obama's intro at the DNC, if for no other reason than Betty White is a goddess and we have to uphold the separation of church and state. Also, she might start having a conversation with a table or something, and I could not handle that.

Remember: If you want to help America out, write a mildly aggressive blog post. Mild aggression can change the world. 

TVgasm Tuesday is here yet again, and just in time, too. I've been having withdrawals from reality TV. I can't SLEEP. I can't EAT (sort of). I need my fix of snark and ridiculousness. This is kind of starting to sound like a drug addiction. Whatever I can stop anytime I want, and I don't need your judgement.

This week:

Do you guys remember SMASH? I loved it, and I refuse to be ashamed. Sure it didn't make sense, but there was singing and dancing and a lot of crying, which is all I really want in a show. TVgasm has the scoop on the newest addition to next season's cast.

I've been worried about the Jersey Shore kids for a while now. What are they going to do after the show ends? They're all insane, and I'm pretty sure they don't have any marketable skills so getting a job is out of the picture. TVgasm was thinking along the same lines, and thoughtfully wrote a letter to the cast with some sound advice.

Ok this is a big one: TVgasm posted a new podcast called "Watch What Crappens", and it's basically three dudes talking about everything I love. Go listen for the gossip on The Real Housewives, Million Dollar Listing, and more!

Remember: TV is good for you, just like vegetables and exercise. Trust me, I'm a doctor.