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Thank God it's Tuesday, right, guys?! Is "TGIT" a thing? Whatever. I'm making it a thing right now; tell everyone you know. Sure, we're only two days into the week and the weekend is over 72 hours away... but the high point of your week is here: It's TVgasm Tuesday! Exclamation points!

This Week:

Do you love David Hasselhoff? Probably not because he's kind of the worst, but it's pretty funny to watch him attempt a German accent in the new online Lean Pockets ad campaign. Watch him subtly imply that the other actress has nothing going for her but her looks! So chivalrous!

Do you love Oprah? If you don't, you should because a) she's perf and b) she's the only person who actually has enough lady-balls to ask the Kardashian clan why they're famous. Go watch Oprah try to get the Kardashians to admit that they are, in fact, made mostly of plastic at this point.

Do you like toddlers? Do you like tiaras? Do you like when people ask you several questions in a row? TVgasm can help you determine if you're cut out for the world of pageants. Specifically, are you cut out for pageants starring children and their insane parents in this week's "Dear TVgasm?"

Remember: If you keep watching famous people on TV, you'll probably become one. (I'm assuming THAT'S what the Kardashians did to get famous.)

Do you love reality TV as much as I do? Probably not, but if your obsession is anywhere close to my own, our friends at TVgasm have you covered. As the new summer lineup of reality shows premieres, TVgasm is here for you to ensure you don't miss anything... and we at My Damn Channel are going to double down on that by ensuring you don't miss anything from TVgasm!

This week:

They checked in with a few of your (and my) favorite celebrity chefs to talk about their summer reality series. And it gets SPICY. (Pun INTENDED.)

If you're more of a Real Housewives kind of person (and let's face it: who isn't?) check out TVgasm's ReDub videos of the RHOC for a more accurate reading of what the housewives are actually saying. (HINT: Not very much.)

Last-- and BEST-- TVgasm has the scoop on everyone's favorite Toddlers and Tiaras contestant Alana, better known as Honey Boo Boo Child. She has her own spinoff this summer! I won't give away the name, but it is by far my favorite part of the whole concept.

Remember: please watch reality television safely. Remember to bathe, eat and above all, yell at the tiny people inside your TV.

You can always tell it's the middle of summer because the reality shows start to get even spicier. There are epic tantrums and even bigger fights than usual, and at least two terrifying blonde women who like screaming will always threaten to leave whatever show they're on. I love it. It's the best part of summer television, and TVgasm is right here to help you and me (but mostly me) keep up with it. 

This week:

First she was leaving, and then she totally wasn't and it was all a rumor, but now it's confirmed that J.Lo actually is leaving Idol forever. At least Randy is staying, so we can count on unconditional praise for the contestants, and the use of the word "dog" for a couple more years.

You know how everyone says that all reality shows are just the same formula-- a bunch of good-looking, opinionated people who like to characterize themselves as "strong and independent" forced to be in the same room for hours? Well, TVgasm broke down the six archetypes of reality TV for you. Go find out which one you are! 

Toddlers and Tiaras is back. FINALLY. I can finally get my fix of screaming infants in tutus and stage mothers who pretend their children love being stuffed into ridiculous outfits. TVgasm has the scoop on the new season, as well as some quality screenshots from the show. 

Remember: If you're ever confronted by someone from reality TV, don't freak out. They're more afraid of you than you are of them.