Well, it’s November, which means one thing: the holidays are on the horizon. Errbody be buying presents, and while that might be good for the economy, it’s hell on the underpaid retail employees who have to deal with hordes of grumpy, dissatisfied customers. It’s the season of peace on earth and goodwill toward men, unless you work at the Apple Store – in which case, screw you.
In order to help you, Gentle Reader, avoid being a total douchebag to retail associates this season, I have compiled a collection of quotes you should do your best to scrub from your vocabulary. Remember, you can dump your entire coin jar into the Salvation Army bucket, but that act of goodwill is completely canceled out by any of these sentences:
1. “Do you have any more in the back?”
No, we don’t, and we probably don’t have time to go check, so unless this is something you desperately need – i.e., not a Monster High doll or a blush palette – you should probably just check online or go elsewhere.
2. “Well, can you just go check the back?”
Inside tip: when you tell your sales associate to “go check in the back,” they walk into the stockroom and just chat with their coworkers for about thirty seconds. Because there are never any more in the back.
3. “What do you mean, you don’t have any more [insert Black Friday doorbuster here]?! I gave up my sleep for this?”
You really do not want to say this to someone whose store opened at 8pm on Thanksgiving in order to sell more flatscreen TVs. Seriously, you do not want to say this. If you have any shred of human decency, you will not even think these words.
4. “It doesn’t scan? Must be free, then!”
The first time your cashier heard this “joke,” they laughed so hard they fell off their dinosaur.
5. Any reference to how crazy the mall parking lot is.
There are actually malls that require their employees to park over a mile away as to free up as many parking spaces for customers as possible. This is possibly the worst thing I’ve ever heard and I wish I were making it up but I am not.
Got any retail rants for me? Tweet me at @lizbelsky to share.