Let’s not beat around the bush. Halloween is a great holiday, but the candy is clearly the best part. Are you confused or torn as to which type of candy you should hand out this year? Welp, time for some counseling from noted Candy Expert Liz Belsky.
1. Any full-size candy bar. Legend has it that any house that hands out full-sized candy bars on Halloween earns the protection of the spirit world for a full year afterward. Also, nobody will vandalize your house or smash your pumpkins if you’re cool like this. Just do it.
2. Mini candy bar bracket #1: Milky Way, Twix, Kit Kat, Snickers. If you’re going to hand out minis they better be one of these. Mounds/Almond Joy are also acceptable (I could eat an entire bag of mini Mounds bars and I probably will this year because being an adult means you can buy candy all the time and nobody can say anything about it). If you’re one of those people who gives out “fancy” mini candy bars, like Hershey’s Symphony, Hershey’s Special Dark, or Milky Way Midnights, the moms and nannies of the world thank you for giving their kids chocolate that they won’t eat.
3. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I can’t actually eat peanuts or peanut butter because I will literally die, but I’m not an idiot, I know Reese’s are top quality Halloween candy.
4. Caramel apple pops. Awwww yeah. These are delicious and last forever. I want one right now.
5. Pixie Stix. There was a rumor going around my neighborhood when I was a wee lass that the creepy old man on the next block spiked the Pixie Stix he was giving out with cocaine. I can confirm this, because Pixie Stix are indeed cocaine. Sweet, sweet cocaine.
6. Mini candy bar bracket #2: Three Musketeers, Heath Bar, Mr. Goodbar, Krackle. I mean, you can hand these things out, but why would you? Just spring for the good stuff, it won’t hurt you.
7. Jolly Ranchers. Like, yeah, they last a long time and are delicious, but they just don’t scream “FUN!” the way other types of candy do. Only choose this option if you’re giving out the rare flavors, like peach and blue raspberry.
8. Mini bags of M&Ms. The most middle-of-the-road Halloween candy you could possibly receive. Sure, you’ll eat it, but only after you’ve picked out all the good stuff.
9. Random generic-brand chocolates. Any chocolate is better than none, but little random nuggets of off-brand milk chocolate foil-wrapped to look like eyeballs are not exactly top-level stuff here.
10. Individual Starbursts. Who wants to have to dump out their entire candy bag just to eat three Starbursts? And now you’re telling me that they’re all ORANGE? Forget it, I’ve lost my appetite.
11. Tootsie Rolls. Why would you do this? Has anyone ever eaten a Tootsie Roll of their own volition? They’re hard, flavorless, and gross-looking. No.
12. Candy corn. Some people are really into candy corn. Those people are in the minority. For the rest of us, candy corn is a seasonal decoration that we don’t actually want to put in our mouths, much like its Christmas cousin, candy canes. You will piss off more people than you win over with candy corn.
13. Dum Dums. Rule of thumb: never give something out on Halloween that you can get for free at the doctor’s office.
14. Raisinets. Because nothing says “Happy Halloween!” like “Here’s a fun-sized bag of what looks like rabbit poop!”
15. Just plain raisins. If you are one of those people who gives out raisins on Halloween, punch yourself in the face. Seriously. I want you to punch yourself in the face right now because I don’t have time to find you and do it myself.
Agree? Disagree? Tweet me @lizbelsky and we'll hash it all out.